MUGABE: Hey comrades, any news today?
KAGAME: The best news here of course is that I’m firmly in charge here.
UGANDAN REVOLUTIONARY: Lol! Paul, that is the winner! No news beats that!
MUGABE: hihihi… Those white bullies got used to it. They thought that I’m a cup of tea! Lol, idiots deluded by their pieties of democracy! I’m here until I lose memory.
(Admin has removed Jammeh).
UGANDAN REVOLUTIONARY: Oh, poor Jammeh! Gone at only 22 years in power! He deserved it though… I wonder if he had lost his senses! All along I thought he had mastered the principles of African presidency. You can’t have your cake and eat it.
KABILA: … or eat it and have it. Hehe, let him go and eat transparency in exile. All along I thought he had learnt what an African president should and shouldn’t do. I hear calling to concede! Did he think he was in America? Concede what?
UGANDA REVOLUTIONARY: You see, the problem is partly ideological. Now this poor Jammeh, as if he could not make use of the police, switch off social media and employ ideologically-correct people to count the votes.
KAGAME: … I’m taking notes. Mzee, you are a master in this thing. Hahaha. More tips. And giver my regards to Hajji Dr! He should come and train our electoral officers.
(Zuma is typing)
MAGUFULI: hmmm!
MUGABE: Sorry guys, I had dosed off. Old age is such a malignant bitch! Magufuli please, if you have nothing to say, shut up! I can guess you are about to reverberate your usual nonsensical logorrhea.
(Zuma is typing)
SALVA KIIR: whoever is hiding Machar, God is seeing you! By the way Mzee, I miss UG! I mean Uganda Waragi… Lol
UGANDAN REVOLUTIONARY: Kiir, if you don’t stop that habit, I’m afraid you may rule for only 25 years. Guys, catch you later. We have a small family meeting with my wife and son.
MUGABE: You mean with your minister and senior advisor? Ha ha ha ha!
UGANDAN REVOLUTIONARY: Look who is talking…! What’s your problem Bob?
ZUMA: Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malema, Malemaaaaaaaaaaaa. Damn that caterpillar!
MUGABE: Cut the crap Zuma! Hammer the idiot. Stop crying like you have no police and batons. You are spoiling that boy. Ask Morgan Tsvangirai how I pumped sense into his balloon head. Can’t you take lessons from Uganda too? You just leave the fool to shout you down in parliament as if you are not in charge! Show him the might of African presidency. He is lucky he is not doing that crap here.
KAGAME: lol, lol, lol… Zuma, give me a call. I have the medicine. And if symptoms persist, seek my neighbour’s advice.
KABILA: Comrades, what is the latest tear gas brand? Looks like these opposition fellows are getting used to what we have. They just wash their faces and act like no harm has happened!
UGANDAN REVOLUTIONARY: I’m in a meeting. But I had to chip in here. Have you tried pepper? Concentrated sulphuric pepper from India. Ho ho ho, that stuff works wonders. Especially in the eyes. I can send you Gilbert Arinaitwe Bwana to sensitise your forces on how to administer it.
UHURU: Oh, this hangover will kill me! Guys, let me first take some water and come back.
MUGABE: … Hehehe, he has gone back for dancing rehearsals. Why dance for voters when you can appoint someone to count the votes? These young fellas amuse me. Young man, you will break your lousy bones, and democracy won’t fix them.
BASHIR: Today you people haven’t said anything about the ICC. Robert and Museveni, it’s been long since you last bashed those fellas. Were you compromised by those imperialists? And I’m not hearing any others declaring to quit!
KIIR: hmmm, stop whining like a toddler.
BASHIR: Shut up Kiir! Do you know how it feels to live in fear of being arrested any time? ICC should be a concern for every member of this group. After all, are we very different from each other? And should we allow them to strip Africa of experienced presidents?
PAUL BIYA: I agree with you Bashir. The experience we have at this job cannot be found anywhere else. That is why I watch inexperienced comrades like Magufuli trying to make us appear incompetent and I laugh.
KAGAME: Hey, I hear WikiLeaks is following our chat!
MUGABE: Who gives a damn! Let them go to hell and burn with Ian Smith.
MUGABE: Hello guys, where did you go? Hellloooooooooooooooooo
jsssentongo@gmail.com
The writer works with the school of Postgraduate Studies and Research at Uganda Martyrs University, Nkozi.