What this happiness constitutes might vary; the pain we seek to avoid might as well vary from one person to another, but we are agreed in principle. Therefore, my advice on what we can do as Ugandans to be happier is at the core of everyone’s pursuit.
Dear fellow naïve Ugandans, stop looking on as everyone is getting corrupt and happier. Join the corruption wagon and claim for your own happiness too. Find something somewhere to steal from the public purse or someone to bribe for what you want. As the Norwegians say, there is hope as long as your fishing-line is in the water.
Besides, ‘you cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom’. I want to give you all reasons as to why a corrupt life will be the best. You see, in a hall where everyone is farting, there is no point in restraining your own belly.
The old proverb threatened that ‘a man who farts in church sits alone on his pew’. But, in this country, the person who farts in church occupies the best seat and everyone yearns to sit close to them. So, comrades, let’s all fart. If at some point the stench bothers us all, then we might collectively agree to stop.
We shouldn’t simply relegate ourselves to the unfortunate role of twisting our noses in discomfort as others get lighter. It is common knowledge in Uganda today that trying to live a straight life of integrity is one of the surest ways to misery. You will immensely suffer as you watch everyone else get away with their crookedness to achieve happiness and convenience.
The crook’s life is smooth and abundant. So, the crook should become our role model. Dear parents, stop teaching your children to be virtuous. You are raising them for a kind of country that ceased to exist. Integrity is the surest way to suffering. They will be the ones to be served last in public offices.
They will find it harder to win contracts if they insist on not giving kickbacks. If they do not accept to ‘cough’, they will be imprisoned for the flimsiest of reasons. If they can’t manipulate someone, they will watch on as their crafty incompetent colleagues get promoted.
They will suffer trying to respect traffic rules in jam, as everyone else cuts corners. Misery will be their life companion, as they regret as to why they invested so much in building their reputation and merit.
Teach your children ‘smartness’. Teach them that everyone and everything has a price. Teach them that goodness doesn’t pay. It is shrewdness that does. Teach them to be effective liars that will be able to face the nation and tell lies without blinking. That gives them a higher chance at being spokespersons for government or political parties.
Don’t they admire Dr Chris Baryomunsi and Mr Fred Ofwono Opondo? Police will need them too, as Mr Enanga will be replaced at some point. Your stupid child banking on uprightness will suffer lining up for a driving permit and going through driving tests while others go straight to pick their permit.
She will earn less insisting on selling genuine products as others profit immensely from fakes that enter the country on high horses. Paying taxes religiously? Her business will collapse while those who oil the system rip big. She will only be left to wonder how they are able to sell at lower prices and yet profit.
Moral uprightness can’t even guarantee her success in relationships. Everyone will take advantage of her. Dear teachers, stop teaching our children that crap that education is the key. Key to what? Sadness? Do you know the pain of watching those who were average at school buying their way into positions as you count on your good grades?
Teach our children how to ‘cooperate’ with public service and district service commissions. Teach them that a good CV plus integrity are as good as a car without fuel.
Teach our children things that are relevant to their society. Teach them that very few offences are bigger than money. Teach them that justice belongs to the rich and the powerful. As Baganda say, omwavu ayagalwa nyina (a poor person is loved by his/her mother). Let them know that if they accumulate money (by whatever means), they will be worshipped.
They will be able to acquire land, by purchase or grabbing. You can have the police on your guard as you grab and evict. Dear young people, if you have been taught that ‘good things come to those who wait’, you might wait forever. Get rich quick, or find someone to exploit.
If you are lucky to find a job, steal. Build a huge house, buy a big car, and throw a huge wedding. Live large; no one cares to know how you acquire your wealth. Those are outdated ideals. Dear preacher, may you not tell me to work for heaven, as others get their blast on earth at my expense! Must heaven be preceded by earthly suffering?
We all deserve two heavens: one here, another after. Don’t you sense the conspiracy; by which they make you busy with the life to come as they ensure that you don’t claim what is due to you in this life?
So, let us all become corrupt. Let us all work hard to ensure that corruption ultimately overwhelms us. If each of us steals something from the other; if each of us helps to skew the system to only work for those who can negotiate; if each of us bends rules whenever we can, together we shall be able to maximise risk to everyone.
Let roads break down due to kickbacks in contracting processes. When life eventually becomes difficult for all us in a broken country, maybe we shall collectively rise to sort our mess.
jsssentongo@gmail.com
The author is a teacher of philosophy
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