Last month, burglars broke into a friend’s house and stole, among other things, her phone.

Strangely, the burglars took the trouble to remove the Sim card and leave it behind. A few days later, someone started calling up numbers in the stolen phone’s address book. One such call, to a mutual friend, went like this:

Caller: Hello
Recipient: Hello. Who is this?
Caller: This is the thief who stole this phone.
Recipient: You are what? A thief?
Caller: Yes. I stole this phone.
Recipient: Why are you calling me? What do you want?
Caller: I want airtime.
Recipient: You stole a phone and you are asking me to give you airtime for it?
Caller: Yes, because I didn’t take the Sim card. I could have taken the Sim card as well….

I was reminded of this brazen thief when I read the story of 42 senior public officials who orchestrated a “presidential handshake” of Shs 6 billion for themselves as a reward for, allegedly, pursuing oil companies and forcing them to pay $700 million in taxes.

Justifying the boondoggle, Uganda Revenue Authority (URA) assistant commissioner for Public and Corporate Affairs, Sarah Birungi Banage, said: “It was meant to appreciate the professionalism and patriotism exhibited by the team members, especially their ability to resist all pressure and compromise given the magnitude of the figures involved.”

Like our thief who believes that he deserves a bonus for “going out of his way” not to steal my friend’s Sim card along with the phone, these public officials believe that they deserve a bonus for not taking bribes and kickbacks. 

So, in this Uganda of ours, it is now “patriotic” not to take bribes? It is ethical for a thief to leave behind your TV when he steals your laptop? It is “professional” for police to clobber opposition supporters instead of shooting them to death?

Newsflash: Not getting compromised and not taking bribes is what normal public servants do. At least those are the standards expected of public officials, even in a country as corrupt as ours.

The last time I checked, URA’s job was to ensure that everyone pays their taxes. Certainly, that is the impression I get when I see URA locking up people’s businesses for failing to pay takes. Could URA and “the 42 thieves” explain to us what exactly they did that went extraordinarily beyond what they are supposed to do as public servants?

All we hear from these “patriots” and their apologists is that they did nothing illegal and that they followed the relevant government procedures. I am yet to see any of them cite a law or administrative guidelines that allow civil servants to award themselves – in secret – bonuses for, in their own assessment, a job well done. 

The argument that the “cash bonanza” is somehow legitimate because the president authorized it is nonsensical. On what basis did he authorize it if, indeed, he did? On a whim?

So, there would be no problem if the president authorized a bonus of a million dollars for his grandson for being “patriotic” by finishing his bowl of breakfast porridge?

How does a nurse in proverbial Kamonkole, who exposes herself to Ebola while handling patients without protective gear because the government has not provided such gear, get her Shs 200 million “presidential handshake?”

In principle, I am not opposed to the idea of material rewards for people who go well beyond the call of duty for the good of our country. But any such reward system must have a legal basis, be well documented, clear, transparent and accessible to all Ugandans.

It would be implemented by an independent body of respected Ugandans who, themselves, would not be eligible to benefit from the scheme. The public would have a vote on who gets to qualify for a bonus. If such a system existed, you can bet that none of the “42 thieves” would even get on the shortlist for a reward.

Here is an idea: Force the 42 beneficiaries to return the loot. For their alleged “professionalism” and “patriotism”, award them the Order of the Nile First Class medals, which they must collect in person from wherever the official ceremony for this year’s Heroes day will be held.

kirungi@observer.ug

The author is a  former journalist.