But if only men knew that one of the reasons some of them have dormant and asexual wives in their beds is as a result of past sexual assaults and defilements, they would take this silent pandemic seriously.
What many women will not talk about is the ugly past that comes with growing up as a girl child in this country and part of the world; where men feel entitled to all women’s bodies – consent or no consent. But many of those abuses never go away completely, because they are never professionally addressed.
Over the years, I have talked with several women – friends, relatives, church sisters – many of them ‘happily’ married but not keen on the sexual parts of their marriages, and when we went deeper, there were stories of defilement as children, or rape in their teenage years or sexual harassment that has continued into their career days.
And these women took the step in their lives to get married, without sorting out their feelings on the matter of sex. Many admitted to feelings of fright and trauma, and that sex with their husbands is often a trigger for memories they would rather erase.
I also noticed that of the women I talked to, those without inhibitions and admitted to actually enjoying making love with their spouses had no backstories of sexual abuse or assault. The only memories they have about sex are ecstatic ones punctuated with pink, polka-dot elephants and amazing orgasms.
One of them even said the sex in her marriage is almost always the glue that puts the union back together whenever it hits speed bumps, because it just never goes on pause; not even when they have bitter fights and arguments. There is always the great sex to fall back on that gradually works as a balm.
Now, a previously assaulted woman does not have that luxury, unless she has received therapy and counselling. The self-hate and loathing of a man’s touch can be a true hindrance.
It is either that, or she develops such low esteem of herself and her body that she does not mind giving that body to whoever shows interest in it – as long as she earns from it. And this happens whether a woman is in a marriage or not, as I shockingly found out.
So, stop trivialising Sheebah’s concerns; there is actually a pandemic of sexual abuse against women, and the majority stay silent for fear of the kind of ridicule Sheebah is now being subjected to.
Instead, they dutifully get married, have children, but never experience the true satisfaction of an orgasm, or even enjoyment, because someone robbed that from them.
One of the women told me she does not remember her defiler’s face, because he waylaid her on the way to school, but his body odour has stuck with her all these years and whenever she tries to be intimate with her husband, that is the smell that overwhelms her and her system just shuts down. She simply goes through the motions for conjugal rights’ sake.
Clearly, this problem is not just about women; it seriously affects men and their marriages too; so, I don’t understand where all the insensitivity is coming from.
We have come a long way, of course, from walking through the taxi park or Owino market with strange, dirty men groping every part of your body in broad daylight, to these abusers that feel if you look a certain way, act a certain way or dress a certain way, you are a ripe candidate for unsolicited touches and abuse.
We can be better. Men, this is as much your battle as it is ours; after all, you are fathers of daughters too! Ensure that your girls enjoy their marriages fully, when the right time comes, by not brushing off other people’s daughters when they send out an SOS.
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