Sex Talk: Why should she ask first?

I read somewhere, a woman’s love language is ‘not having to ask’, and I think husbands that have mastered the incredible art of mindreading (sorry guys, but I’m not joking) are the happiest in their marriages.

Mindreading? But how? You may ask. Why should she have to ask you to think about her randomly too, just like you do your parents or children, simply because you love them?

I know so many sons who at the Easter weekend went out of their way to make their parents happy; doing Easter shopping, taking them a ‘heavy’ brown envelope, sending over their boda guy or driver laden with goodies… the list is endless, yet the same sons did not even remotely remember someone’s daughter whom they call wife at home, apart from the general happiness things that are for the whole family.

That is a husband that does not know that there is a special love language only women comprehend: not having to ask.

Second scenario. I also know a husband who, on Thursday booked himself and his wife into a hotel in Entebbe, then returned home on Good Friday to kick off the Easter festivities with the rest of the family.

That man’s wife, who is still gushing about that one day and night spent being pampered, talking, staring out at the lake and making love, sounds like he flew her to some exotic foreign destination!

It made me realise how much mileage this ‘mindreading’ can give a marriage. And those are just examples; you don’t have to think in terms of such budgets. But imagine you had given your wife a hair salon or nail spa treat ahead of Easter, without her asking first!

Or when you went shopping for your mum’s gomesi, you also paid for a mushanana for your wife… By the way, sometimes the infamous rivalry between wives and their mothers-in-law is just jealousy over how men treat their mums, vis-à-vis how they treat their wives.

The two offices and loves are completely different, but it is what it is. Learn to read the room. Imagine if your wife waited for you to ask before she did anything for you or for the home.

That labour of love that many wives put into their homes and marriages is often dismissed by indifferent husbands as ‘normal, women stuff ’, but my dear, not all wives do those things.

If yours still does, be sensitive to her needs, in turn. Some wives, in addition to the domestic roles they still do or supervise a maid to execute, pick up the bulk of the bills around the home, yet their husbands still cannot figure out how to make everything worthwhile and appreciated.

Once a woman has a career, the average husband in Uganda and most of Africa also expects her to start handling bills, school fees, killing reptiles and rodents around the home, dealing with home security…. Dude!

What are you doing in return, apart from presenting yourself naked at bedtime to be ‘served’? Why are you surprised that she scoffs at that thought?

Kudos to all the husbands out there that still take their responsibilities seriously and don’t wait for their wives to ask. I know a handful and I never get tired of complimenting them on being good husbands and fathers.

In turn, I also know a basketful of the other kind – the ones that have no idea where the food they eat comes from, or how their children went back to school last term. In all these scenarios, what keeps a marriage going is you being thoughtful without being asked first.

Help with some of the home chores; work on a special project when another holiday rolls around, or when you take your annual leave; surprise her with a treat; give her some of your ka-money – just for just; be more giving and patient during sex; interest yourself in the smooth running of your household.

The dividends come in form of grateful and mutually satisfactory lovemaking.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com