“You cannot cleave unless you leave,” I watched Bishop T.D Jakes preach a few days ago on Daystar TV.
“Maybe the reason you are not cleaving onto the one you have is because you are not leaving the one you had!”
Heh! This man sure does have a way with words. But beyond his beautiful choice of words, think about that message carefully: what – or who – are you refusing to let go of that in turn is making it impossible for you to enjoy marriage with this person you chose to establish a lasting bond with?
Of course Jakes was drawing his sermon from Mark 10, where the Bible urges those betrothed to let go of their parents and become one in marriage. But think beyond your parents and be honest on whether you have truly left behind past love interests; moved on from former conquests and liaisons to truly connect, especially sexually, with the one you married.
I have heard the argument that for men there is a “right time for marriage” and when that time dawns, the girl they are currently seeing will most likely receive a proposal and wedding ring. And that as a result, some end up married to the “wrong woman that turned up at the right time”.
I find it hard to wrap my head around that argument, but I have heard it so many times that I have started to grudgingly believe it. But assuming it were correct, do you have it in you to leave the past where it belongs and really be joined as one with this woman you married?
One wife once complained her husband tries to make her do things in bed that she is uncomfortable with. When she voices her objection, he draws comparisons with his ex, who was reportedly more fun and adventurous.
Are you like that, too?
Married people fail to cleave unto each other, because they let the ghosts of girlfriends and boyfriends past to come into the union with them. One man went a step further and even lined the exes up as maids at his wedding!
Okay, maybe it was not his doing, but his bride unknowingly chose her love rivals for maids – they had mutual friends and he had quietly made his rounds in the circle before finally marrying her.
It was an awkward wedding, as all but the jubilant, dancing bride seemed aware of this “small” detail. And now, this husband has his living room and bedroom walls decorated with all the women of his life…
I wonder how he does not call out the wrong name in celebration of any pink elephants that may stomp through his bedroom now and then. And I hate to imagine the day a talkative relative or friend breaks the real news to the wife.
I digress; what I was saying: you decided to settle down with this person and not the other you so obviously enjoyed. Now, try and leave the past in the past – including the different strokes you sampled there – and build new memories with this spouse.
No husband wants to know what his predecessors in your bed used to pull off, how. No wife is interested in knowing whose breakfast eggs taste better – hers or Bonita’s.
These are the eggs you are getting from now on; deal with them. If they are too salty, work out a better recipe together. Just don’t name-drop people who will only serve to bring the libido from 10 to a one.
Some may not even say anything, but continue to secretly pine after a lost love and don’t give their current love a chance. Go for a fresh start, for there is no magic in the rebound.
carol@observer.ug