Before I say what I really want to say in next week’s column, please read this: The birth of your children is supposed to be the pinnacle of married life. So, after almost 20 years of marriage and with two fantastic daughters, am I thanking my lucky stars that my wife and I made the leap from partners to parents? No. Who can deny that children introduce stress and strife into a relationship?
And parenthood often turns a formerly loving couple into, at best, exhausted comrades in arms — at worst, adversaries. In particular, it spells disaster for the one area of a marriage that many men believe to be the most important: your sex life. I’ve been married for 20 years and over the past five, I’ve had several affairs and numerous flings. And — be as disapproving as you like — I don’t regret it.
In my mid-40s with a decent career, how do I get away with it? Well, my wife already pays scant interest in me, so it’s not exactly hard to hide things from her. I went into my marriage deeply in love and with every intention of remaining committed. At first, everything was great. We had lots in common, enjoyed spending time together and had a great sex life. Sex with her was the best and left me feeling satisfied, like I could take on the world.
Within a year of marriage, our eldest daughter arrived and, two years later, we were a family of four. Raising two daughters changed me profoundly. I became much more patient and tolerant, knowing I had to put them — and my wife — first, which I did happily. Yet it also changed my wife. Suddenly, the woman I desired would barely touch me.
I believed children should slot into our lives, not the other way round. But she was more interested in mother-and-toddler groups and swimming lessons, than us or me. Before, my wife used to make the effort to seduce me, doing her hair, make-up and striving to look her most attractive.
But post-kids, she would live day-in, day-out, in baggy T-shirts and jogging bottoms. When I suggested we go out on date nights, dressing up to remind ourselves of the young people who had found each other so attractive, she complained that I didn’t understand how tired she was.
I offered to pay for a babysitter, to take her on holiday, and said she was welcome to cut down on her working hours in her management job, but nothing changed. She accused me of being selfish and only thinking about my needs. All the while, I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house.
You expect to do these things as part of family life and, when you have a satisfying sex life, you don’t mind. But I had no sex life and I minded that very much. When I hit my mid-30s, suddenly, I realised I was still young, fit and good-looking. I was in my sexual prime but wasn’t getting any sex. I don’t expect a medal, but I endured this for 15 years before I thought about straying.
Then one night, after yet another bedroom knockback (I offered her a massage and she recoiled as if I had suggested she run down the street naked), I took stock. Believe me, when a man is trapped in a sexless marriage, sex is all he thinks about. I did not want to cheat, but there are only so many times you can hear a woman say how tired and exhausted she is before recognising that the problem isn’t with you.
Due to the abstinence, I felt increasingly disconnected from my wife. This allowed me to entertain the idea of cheating in a way I wouldn’t have done had we been intimate. I started going out with my colleagues more often, where I would talk and dance with women. At first, I felt scared, cautious and guilty.
But I was experiencing — and enjoying — the thrill of the chase again. I kept a separate phone so I wouldn’t get caught. How I dressed on nights out was different, too; I kept my new wardrobe hidden in the office. At home things changed, too: I wasn’t so frustrated with my wife, nor was I as needy. I was a better husband, in fact.
I was a better father, too, simply because my sexual needs were being met. Had there been even a glimmer of hope in the marital bedroom, I would have chucked my spare phone away and put my wedding ring back on. But my wife still showed zero interest in me. There have been a few women. I always ensure affairs last less than a month — never long enough for them to truly fall for me.
I do struggle a bit with guilt, because cheating is wrong. But my wife is just as guilty for letting things slide. At one counselling session, my wife asked why sex is so important to me. I wanted to ask her why breathing is important to her. I certainly don’t want a divorce. Infidelity is my coping mechanism, if you like. I’m not arrogant, I’m just like millions of fathers who are stuck in sexless relationships
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