I have often been asked why I put emphasis on what women need/want, when I write the column, and I always say: “because of how much hinges on them in sex and marriage.”
A husband with the best intentions can still fail in his marriage, because he did not master how to make and keep his wife happy, not just sexually, but generally. Have you ever analysed why they really say, ‘happy wife, happy life’?
If your wife is angry or displeased with you, she is unlikely to respond to you sexually, yet an unhappy husband can miraculously still manage to healthily ‘get it up’, causing bystanders to wonder why, with all the complaints he has about his wife and marriage, she seems to be constantly pregnant…
A wife’s happiness is a complex issue, by the way. You may not be abusive or physically harming her, but she simply feels neglected and unseen, and that starts a string of issues. That is why I don’t tire talking about these things, because I am a woman too, anyway.
Many men go into marriages with two pieces of advice: make money, give her the money. Then they are perplexed when she still fusses and moans about not feeling loved and feeling bored. You spending all your time chasing the dollar to give her, and neglecting her other needs completely will not earn you any star stickers to your forehead.
You can have money and still bore her. You can be generous with your wallet, but not in bed. You can be a good father, but an uneventful lover. You can be a fun dad but a boring husband. You can be an accomplished lover but a selfish bas**rd. And the inevitable result in all that is that at one point she will reach her breaking point.
When we were young, the village was shocked when an accomplished, pretty Nalongo with a beautiful home, gave it all up and eloped with the village jester with no known profession!
I cannot forget how that teacher – a perfect gentleman – cried into every willing ear about, “How could she!” “What didn’t I give her?”
Needless to say, the village jester took her on a thrilling ride for a few months, got her pregnant and promptly disappeared. Salongo offered to forgive all and take her back with her baby, but she refused, saying she was tired of a boring, monotonous marriage and would rather hazard the single life again. Eh!
I remembered her story when I saw her recently after so many years, now much older, but still beautiful and still divorced. Men often ask, ‘what do women really want?’ Hmm. To be happy. Start there; make sure your wife is happy, all the other chips will fall into place.
What makes one woman happy differs from the next one, but the principle is the same. Find out what her love language is and speak it fluently, sir. If her love language is physical touch, but you never do that; instead, you pump her with gifts, then stay away to hang out with the boys. You are courting danger.
If she loves words of affirmation but you never compliment her…shauri yako. If it is quality time, but like many husbands you are constantly away chasing the dollar to hopefully make her happy…good luck.
I know these love languages apply to men too, but look; if a husband masters his wife’s love language and articulates it well, women are uniquely equipped to express all the five love languages as developed by Gary Chapman – even simultaneously, if need be – simply because they are happy and contented.
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