“Stress affects each gender differently. In a kind of tragic misalignment, during a fight, men tend to get flooded with stress hormones in a way that leads them to shut down, withdraw and detach – the ‘flight or fight’ response to adrenaline – in order to regain neuroendocrine equilibrium; whereas women react to the same stress by needing to talk more and connect more – the ‘tend and befriend’ response, which lowers their own stress levels.”
I read that in Naomi Wolf’s Vagina: A New Biography, and more light bulbs came on.
What you call grumpiness in your husband? That is him responding naturally to stress. What you call nagging in your wife? That is her natural feminine response to stress. Now, catch one gender stressed while the other is not, and see angry fireworks and even self-exile from the marriage.
Catch both parties stressed at the same time, and hoo, their divergent reactions to that stress will not leave that marriage unscathed. You can only imagine what such dynamics do to the sex, unless the couple is very intentional and in tune to each other’s emotions. I have seen men advise one another to marry the girl “that understands your silent moments”.
Maybe we should also advise women to marry the guy that understands your talkative days and not dismiss you as nagging! Few women, if any, understand this stonewalling that men do.
In fact, Wolf ’s book states that women’s stress hormones spike when men go into this emotional and verbal shutdown. So, she will fill every silent moment with questions, loud assumptions, or even aggressive sexual demands, possibly making matters worse.
And in men’s ‘flight or fight’ response, some unfortunately turn violent in response to a wife’s non-stop talking and questioning, while the smart ones will create physical distance to cool down.
So, in case you are also perplexed by the frequent breakdown of marriages and high rate of separation and divorce today, there you go. Back in the day, an African husband was a small god; his wife (wives) dared not talk back or voice concerns; so, suffice to say, even when he stonewalled, the household sat out his tantrums obediently.
The sex happened when and as he wanted it – no questions. And the anniversaries (even painfully) rolled by, by the decade. Compare that to today: emancipated and educated woman married to a possibly emasculated man, whose grumpy days will be met with her stating exactly how she feels about the situation – whether he wants to hear it, or not.
A few months in, when they have out-stonewalled and out-nagged each other, one of them just ups and leaves for good. One husband once complained that whenever he mentally or emotionally shut down from all the stress around him, his wife would stay up and lambast him until 4am, when sleep would kindly end her tirade.
Yes, they are separated. What is the point of the column? Recognise that you and your spouse are built different. Allow yourselves to process stress without getting dangerously into each other’s hair. Be intentional in how you react to stress.
You don’t have to lock her out a hundred percent, now that you know it irks her; at least leave enough room to explain that it is not about her, you are simply having a rough time at work and she will – hopefully – let you ride the wave.
If stress usually makes you talk without filter or pause, learn to recognize it for what it is and rein yourself in. These unmanaged episodes can damage how you parent, make love and even make money each time.
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