Renowned South African marriage and family therapist Dr Bakhe Dlamini has made quite a name for himself in marriage circles especially in his country, because of the conferences for married couples that he hosts around the country.
I watched clips from the Kwazulu Natal conference last week, and actually felt myself tear up from the beautiful yet poignant scenes I saw in the short clips shared on social media.
Dr Dlamini asked all the couples in the room to hug and talk to each other intimately for several minutes, as Lionel Ritchie’s Stuck On You played softly from the speakers, and it was interesting watching the couple dynamics in that simple exercise.
There were the scattered ten or so women who had turned up without their [stubborn] husbands; so, they were sadly swaying alone as they recorded the happy couples around them on phones.
I did not see any spouseless men, though… says a lot about how invested women are in the marriage institution, compared to men – and not just in South Africa. Then there were couples that were having the time of their lives, hugging and kissing and whispering like there was no one else in that room.
And the third category were the couples that were awkwardly hugging – sideways – like the facilitator was forcing them into a position that had long-become alien to their relationship.
For one such couple, the wife was even recording over her husband’s shoulder what was going on in the big, packed conference room as the equally bored husband seemed to have spaced out.
But overall, what a beautiful image that was! Do you know that many people have no clue how to be affectionate to their spouses anymore?
They no longer slow-dance – not even in the privacy of their bedrooms – they don’t hug, talk, kiss, hold hands, say ‘I love you’ and the sex in such marriages is also quite rare, mechanical and unenjoyable to at least one of them, if at all it happens.
Many couples communicate through their children, but can hardly have an enjoyable conversation lasting an hour or more with each other. If you still have that privilege with your spouse, don’t take it for granted.
In that conference room, I noticed couples that seemed to be genuinely enjoying each other’s company; talking and giggling, roaming each other’s bodies with wandering hands… Clearly these were people in a good place in their marriages.
Others seemed to be under punishment from Dlamini and could not wait for Lionel to stop singing as they gloomily swayed along with several inches between them. These are seemingly small things, but they mean a lot when they mean a lot.
One Ugandan wife I know lives for her husband’s hugs, and he knows that their absence can preclude any serious intimate business meant to go down between them. Another one loves dancing with her spouse, and most of her marital complaints are not about the sex, but the lack of this form of foreplay.
Yet, in both cases the husbands in question don’t understand ‘the fuss’; in fact, if only those men knew how many problems in their homes could be solved by a simple hug and music!
Anyway, I would love to see a conference like Dlamini’s in Uganda; hundreds of married couples in one room, sharing, making up, learning and unlearning.
caronakazibwe@gmail.com