Do you know your spouse? We are not talking about the knowledge of basics like siblings, age, dietary preferences… Those are important too, but you need to understand this person you married as far as how their life was, growing up.
It will help you put so much into perspective, including their approach to investment, sex, public displays of affection, etc, and shape how you influence all that for the better. So many filthy-rich people grew up in abject poverty, and this has influenced their stinginess/ generosity today in everything from lovemaking to actual gifting.
When a woman who grew up in privilege marries a man who grew up in a constant struggle, the dynamics of that marriage can be determined by that, without the couple even noticing it.
You probably know a small percentage of this personal person of yours, from the time you have spent with them. Regardless of how long you have been together, keep noticing the important things.
If he keeps saying he would be happier if you danced for him, don’t laugh at him and take it for a joke. The devil is in the detail. Dance!
A man whose wife filed for divorce after their silver jubilee confessed that he knew it was just a matter of time; the wife had been raised between her two parents, who both divorced more than twice.
He was aware of her tumultuous childhood but thought he was her jewel and she would never want to go through what her parents went through; he was wrong. That wife needed much more emotionally and psychologically, than he gave.
For example, people assume that spouses that were raised in homes with domestic violence will have an automatic aversion to being physically abusive, but are shocked when they turn out to be just as violent as their own parents.
Make it a habit to ask your spouse if you meet their needs emotionally and in bed. If not, get to the bottom of the ‘why’, before you even consider marriage therapy.
If your wife is constantly asking for hugs, just hug her; don’t make excuses… that tight hug could shield your marriage from an affair. She possibly grew up in a home where children guessed they were loved, but were never told nor shown; and she looked forward to getting all that love overload from a husband one day.
And here you are balking at the idea of a simple hug. Or, they grew up with abundant affection and know no other way to love, but you don’t understand that.
“Can you imagine I asked my husband for a hug, and he bluntly refused, snapping, ‘NOT NOW’!”, one wife recently complained. “Is a hug such a big thing to ask for?”
I told her, people have so many hidden wounds from their pasts. Your husband may not be responding the way you expect him to, but don’t trash him that fast! Did their upbringing and background furnish him/her with what you are asking of them – like frequent hugging? Kissing?
Holding hands in public? Oral sex? You may need to only dig a little deeper and act from a place of understanding, as opposed to threatening them with divorce or infidelity.
Hurt people don’t really care, they have seen all kinds of pain already. So, you have your work cut out for you; break them into new habits and traditions patiently.
Involve a counsellor/therapist, if need be; just know, just because you love each other, it does not mean you know your spouse that well, and small infractions can be big triggers. Even years into the marriage.
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