Good thinking, ladies, someone is possibly saying. Why then, did the adjustments in house help only send both marriages in question spiralling downhill?
For one, both wives did not allow themselves to think outside their insecurities to see that the over-efficient maids were making them look good in their marriages. Without trying, the maids had possibly even improved the couples’ sex lives by creating a peaceful, clean environment with perfectly-cooked meals.
Instead, one of the new, less-efficient maids spent more time telling the other maids in the compound how sloppy her boss was to the point of giving her blood-stained bed sheets and underwear as part of the laundry duties.
She would discuss the couple’s private business to all and sundry that they had become the subject of ridicule in the apartment complex. What did this wife do? She tracked down her fired, over-efficient maid and begged her to return to the job, at double her previous pay.
Sanity returned, once more. The circumstances were not much different in the other marriage as well. So, your maid seems to be all over the place and ‘too resourceful’ for your marital comfort? Maybe – just maybe – you did let her become the main player in your marriage…
Funny, true, Ugandan story: a husband tired of his stay-at-home wife being too dependent on the maid did the unthinkable; he fired the maid. His wife threw a fit, packed her bags and followed the over-efficient maid out of the marriage! Remembering that still cracks me up. By the way the marriage really died that day.
Anyway, maids only fill existent gaps, you know? And they only cross non-existent boundaries. Once you realise you dropped the ball, you will get back in line and actually enjoy having an efficient maid without feeling insecure that she will start administering conjugal rights to your husband as well.
Some of these maids actually come from much better grooming than their bosses – fact – and could be worth learning from in some instances. Before firing her – if you must fire her – at least copy the basics.
Otherwise, you cannot fire the help when you don’t know the first thing about cooking, keeping a house clean, or even making your own bed. Forget Telemundo; this is Africa. The corporate world is full of that kind of wife – the one with not a single domestic bone in her body, but is also very insecure about the maid that makes her household work like clockwork.
Surely you have seen the cases where even the children are more cosy with the maids than with their mothers. I say, before you fire her, make sure you learn as much as possible from the way your maid does things, so that when the new one arrives, she finds boundaries in place.
I read in one of my many books on the subject, that men are naturally attracted to ‘caregivers’ and ‘nurturers’. The book claimed, that is why there are all these stereotypes about men cheating on their wives with the housemaid, the nurse, a masseuse, a secretary at work, etc.
And yet in the march for feminism and gender equality (clap, clap, clap), many wives have completely abandoned the smallest drop of caring what goes on in their homes – bedroom inclusive. The over-efficient maid without boundaries sees the gap and steps right in to make things right.
Some of those steps, unfortunately, lead to the marital bedroom to ‘tidy up’ and stay put. Not just stay put, but also kick the lady of the house to the curb. Haven’t you seen those cases?
Again, I know one; former maid is now happily married to her former master. Have boundaries, but also know what to do about the spaces the maid is not allowed access to, to keep the right balance.
carol@observer.ug
