Apparently, to this particular suitor, women who tick in a certain age box are too old for marriage and should, therefore, take up any offer that comes their way, lest the dreaded biological clock stops ticking and starts pealing.

His “at least for me, I am a man” was a polite way of emphasizing this and while I was not fazed or hurt in any way by his words, some women would be rattled.

The pressure to get married ‘on time’ is real and as a result, many women enter unions they otherwise would not have entered, just to conform. World over, marriage is put on such a high pedestal and it is believed that every adult should aim at it for the ultimate actualisation.

Ivan Kasujja, a farmer, says: “Single people can never be seen as responsible people in society because every adult in his right senses should be married. This is why, when it comes to our village meetings, we don’t select single people to speak because we believe they are still immature.”

Hedwig Kyoshabire is young, educated and single, and is no stranger to all the singleton stereotypes out there.

UNCOMFORTABLE

“People keep asking me when I am getting married, which makes me feel uncomfortable because I am not God and I don’t know when I will get married; also, single life can be lonely at times and being single, we are also discriminated against when it comes to acquisition of certain jobs where they want married people.”

Religious Foundation schools, for example, are notorious for insisting that staff members be married. Strange, one is better off presenting as ‘once married but now divorced’, than ‘never married’. Marriage is still like a badge of honour to show responsibility and achievement, even when, ironically, those in the institution have failed miserably at it.

And regardless how much a single person achieves in other spheres of life, the ‘still-missing rib’ is a glaring ‘handicap’.

For 24-year-old presidential candidate John Katumba, for example, his lack of a potential first lady is only secondary to ‘Katumba oyee!’ in the Internet jokes leveled at him.

Former Uganda People’s Congress (UPC) president Olara Otunnu’s unapologetically single status was constantly pointed out when he was active politically, overriding all his political and humanitarian achievements on the world stage.

When Vicky (not real name) was studying for her PhD abroad, her relatives failed to recognize the huge academic achievements and, instead, expressed concern over her single status every time she visited from school.

“The first time, they demanded for a man worth their investment in me. I told them I was still waiting for that man. The next time I returned, they had downgraded to ‘bring a man as long as he respects you’. By the time I completed my PhD, they were pleading with me to just get a baby or two – ‘you don’t need to be married for that!’” she once narrated her ordeal.

No amount of zeros added to her paycheck, no number of promotions at work, no size or brand of car got her the respect she craved, just because she was single and childless.

DISCRIMINATED

Not only are single people discriminated against in the workplace and by society, but they also face immense pressure from the people who should love them, regardless – their family. I remember a young woman in my neighbourhood, who was the first born in the family and at 35 was not married, while her younger sisters had all been snatched off the shelf.

She was so stressed and lost weight and, worse still, her family saw her as a disgrace and minced no words about it. She had to employ strategies like faking being busy at work, just to dodge family gatherings. After she moved out of the family home years later, she randomly met the man who later became her husband to the joy of her family.

Pressure from family has caused many single people to even dread a visit to their parents just because of the series of questions they will be subjected to, and some have even resorted to throwing themselves at any member of the opposite sex that they come into contact with, thereby making them an object of fun in this search for the perfect match.

A single friend confessed to me recently that she had found out that her mother was secretly conducting night prayers for her to get married and how, a well-intentioned male colleague “told me to pray intensely because it seems I have a spiritual husband hence my not being married”.

In Africa, especially, a woman of marrying age cannot ‘just choose’ to be single; there has to be a curse or problem somewhere. These stories and more are the reason why many single women especially find themselves marrying out of desperation and staying for a few months before throwing in the towel, hence the high numbers of divorce.

In one such case, a highly-paid female executive at one company ended up marrying the company driver, much to the chagrin of the staff. Not that there is anything barring love between the different office ranks, but hers was a clear case of trying to get the pressure off her back.

Now, before the peer pressure lands you from the saucepan into the fire, why not borrow a few of these strategies that some singles have used to beat this dilemma?

Jacob Kityo, a pastor and counselor says, “Top on the list is, stop worrying or being anxious because anxiety will not change your situation. This is because when you are least worried and are at peace, is when you will likely meet the right person. Also avoid being desperate because it will make you [end up with] the wrong people.”

“There are so many people even in the church who have left their marriages because they didn’t end up with the right person since they married out of desperation. Also, involve yourself in activities that will keep you busy and keep your mind off marriage, like doing charity work, going out shopping for things that will make you happy, exploring your hobbies like reading, travelling, meeting new people, going out to different places with friends, going on safari, volunteering, and farming, among others, which will certainly keep you busy and who knows, become avenues to meet the right partner,” he says.

In addition, he says, be positive-minded and avoid any kind of negativity because a negative mindset will weigh you down.

“In being positive, learn to value yourself and spend time trying to cultivate attributes that will make you a good spouse, like patience, peace, love, forgiveness, warmth and endurance, among others. Surely, when you do, your spouse will appreciate the mate he or she finds. Some single people also practice being prayerful as a means to find happiness which I think would really be helpful because it helps give one peace.”

In Japan, studies show that more young women are deliberately choosing career over marriage and children, since the latter combo seems to mean being passed over for juicy promotions and opportunities at the workplace.

“As recently as the mid-1990s, only one in 20 women in Japan had never been married by the time they turned 50, according to government census figures. But by 2015, the most recent year for which statistics are available, that had changed drastically, with one in seven women remaining unmarried by that age,” a New York Times report says.

“And for women ages 35 to 39, the percentage was even higher: Nearly a quarter had never been married, compared with only about 10 per cent two decades earlier.”

For now, as nailing the right career becomes just as important as finding the right mate, it is a catch-22 situation, since many women testify that successfully having one seems to cancel the other out.

COMPROMISE

There are married women that say they have had to give up careers or compromise on career choices to keep their marriages, while on the flipside, others say the huge steps they have taken career-wise as single women seem to have made them intimidating and ‘unaffordable’ to potential suitors.

While more women have embraced life in the boardroom, when it comes down to it, they are still the ones expected to make the sacrifices in case of nursing sick family members, housework and staying true to cultural expectations.

A happily-married female doctor, who declined to be named, says she was once offered a lucrative job at a top hospital, that required her to relocate out of Uganda, yet her husband was also gainfully employed in Kampala and was unwilling to leave.

While her husband expressed no objections to her taking the job, “his sisters paid me a visit and gave me a cautionary talk that basically concluded with ‘if our brother does anything untoward because of your continued absence, please don’t come running to us for mediation’.”

The guilt trip worked on her psychologically and she turned down that appointment, but now regrets it and has recently revisited her career ambitions, come what may.

winifredagudo@yahoo.com