Last week’s story had been planned for a novel.
But since I decided to share the story here, maybe I should tell more of it. We sat at the café for close to two hours as Lucy Nabunya regaled me with some really intimate details about her personal and political life as one of the side-chics of a government official.
Lucy Nabunya is not her real name, but since she had dimples, why not call her Nabunya. She was loquacious, explicit at times, and philosophical at others.
“I tell you, Yusuf, side-chics of government people have the most beautiful lives,” Lucy told me as she sipped her hot chocolate: “You get to enjoy the money, gifts, and of course the trips abroad. Where have I not been?! But you don’t have to deal with the creature full-time. He never spends a night at any of his chics’ places. So, the snoring is for his wife, hahaha!” she said jokingly.
“Look, my man is a giant and a bit overweight,” she said between gentle gulps, “not really the typical cartoon character of a corrupt official, but he is deforming really fast. Anti e sente enzibe!”
“Is he from Soroti or Mbarara?” I asked trying to locate Lucy’s lover’s identity.
“Leave me alone with your tribal talk, Yusuf. I am not going to tell you where my man comes from. But it is so nice to see you! How are you? There is that issue about you and Makerere University. How did it end?” she said striking a more austere tone.
“Yeah, that one, we are still in court, entangling. I won the case, Makerere appealed. Appeal has no date yet,” I said.
“Makerere is like your man, hahaha!” I added randomly “I hope you don’t laugh too loud,” she said preparing me for what was about to come.
“The first time we made love with my man, I thought the man had gotten an emergency. As he neared the final stretch, he gave out a loud scream, ‘mama nze, mama nze, mamaaa!’” she said, holding back mouthfuls of laughter.
“Had the intensity not suddenly gone up, I would have thought he was having an emergency. Remember, this is just about a minute in!”
“That is not sexy at all,” I said back. “Why have all this money yet so classless?!” she asked rhetorically.
“Well, one cannot be classy in lovemaking! It is a state of nature, Lucy!” At this moment, our conversation had become quite sexualised, but remained couched in good language.
Maybe, it is worth learning a thing or two about the sex lives of the people literary screwing Uganda.
“This is my hustle” she continued “and I have to brave many of these natural disasters,” she said.
“I will tell you one more story: Oftentimes, he comes to my apartment at the end of the day, sweaty and smelly. He has been peeing and doing the big one, and never uses water!” she said sombrely.
“And since he has not much time, he wants to mate and leave – this is the animal kingdom. No wonder they see their compatriots like animals.” “Are you Muslim? I asked.
“No, but I went to Muslim schools, and learned the water custom,” she said. “Then, there is the drooling! Eish.” “Hmm!” “His drooling can win a championship. All you see is saliva pouring down your chest. He cannot control himself in these moments,” she said covering her eyes.
“Do you drool, also, Yusuf?” she asked between lascivious glances and smiles. “But as long as the money comes, Lucy, it is the hustle, you know,” I said pretending not to have had her direct question.
“Yes, the money comes. He makes it; gives it. Sitoma!” she said. “But these guys, Yusuf, this country seems irredeemable,” she said reflectively.
“One time after we made love, and he turned on his phones back on, they were all buzzing non-stop. All WhatsApp calls. On one phone, there must have been someone pleading for a deal: ‘Naye gwe olina olugezigezi, will you bring back people’s money?’ he had asked the person on the phone. That deal is good. The entire senior line has to eat … accounts, procurement, legal, bonna. Will you bring back 500?’” he asked.
“Before he could end this call, his other phone went off. He picked and said… ‘gwe nagambye, that piece of land belongs to the ministry. I know it really well. On the market it is about Shs 1.5 billion. But if he can do 700, we can get him the title.’”
“Then the other one rang again, this time a direct call: ‘Let me talk to that person…’ then his voice went up after listening for a small moment: ‘Who do you think you are? You think you are the only person employed by Revenue? Release my things immediately.’ Five calls came in, all interested in stealing something or the other.”
You can imagine how I could not stop working out who Lucy’s lover was. But there are many government officials who fit the description.
“So, what does he do with this money?” I asked. “Naye Yusuf, oli slow, I am here, you are looking at that money, ate tuli bangi,” she said, mocking my failure to see our money in her. True, she was glowing.
“Seriously, and I know you know this. These thieves are idiots. Besides buying big cars, land and planting trees, they are doing nothing else with that money. They are always looking forward to the next deal. Thieves just.”
“How did you meet your lover, if you don’t mind, Lucy?” At this moment, I could not help it, I wanted to know who Lucy was.
yusufkajura@gmail.com
The author is a political theorist based at Makerere University
Doc, who isn’t a thief in Museveni’s government? And by government, I mean the executive, parliament, the judiciary, and even the opposition. Every single one of them lives off the taxpayers, they all bleed the taxpayer dry. After 40 years of NRM rule, we don’t even have a referral hospital where Janet or Natasha Museveni can be treated. I wouldn’t mind how people spend their own hard-earned money. Taxpayers’ money is meant for public infrastructure—roads, schools, and hospitals that benefit every citizen. Instead, (in M7’s era) government officials make fortunes for doing nothing, recklessly spending public funds on luxuries like extra concubines. This isn’t governance; it’s highway robbery.
This is exactly why the opposition is part of the problem. The other day, a friend in these columns argued that we shouldn’t attack the opposition because their sole purpose is to oppose M7/NRM. In my mind, I thought, ‘Labba ono!’ How can we claim to fight for the same change while competing in bogus, violent elections? NUP only came to dislodge Besigye and the FDC. They stood against fellow opposition figures in every single contested position—even their own people like Ssegona. Lukwago and Ssemujju faced the same fate. Besigye never did that, but now it’s the norm. Why is Kyagulanyi and NUP doing this? Greed. They just want their hands on taxpayers’ money for doing nothing.
The question remains: how will we ever unite when NUP is busy fighting fellow opposition members instead of M7/NRM? All these factions—Kalonde, Kakuume, Kabanje—are driven by a love for money, not a desire for real change!
Remase, one of our PROBLEM OF AFRICA, Gen Tibuhaburwa’s naked and daylight CORRUPTION, which many Ugandans do not recognize is e.g.: the reappointment Her Majesty Kataha Minister of Educ, even though she was already indisposed (falling apart).
In other words since her reappointment, although she has not set foot in that office and/or lifted a finger to do any office work; she continues to pick her monthly Pay-heck and all the bigenderakko.
No BIG DEAL for the sweaty and bloody taxpayers money!
As if there are no other competent Ugandans to do the job!
You could imagine the condemnation and protest coming from Tibuhaburwa, if Obote (RIP) had appointed/reappointed indisposed, First Lady, Miria Kalule Minister of Education, but 4 months down the road and counting, she has never reported for work.
Lakwena, Museveni is not only corrupt to the core; he is a militant who captured our state for the sole purpose of running the country as a military autocracy. His entire family, relative and inner circle dominate the government and monopolize state privileges. Look at our infrastructure after 40 years of military rule—it has hit rock bottom compared to other African nations. We don’t even have a state-of-the-art hospital where Natasha Museveni can give birth; she had to fly in a presidential jet to Germany. Meanwhile, ordinary citizens are dying on the streets and ‘bafiira mu bitoke’ (dying in banana plantations) while giving birth due to a broken healthcare system. Obote built Mulago Hospital and was treated there when he fell ill. Today, Mulago remains our only major referral hospital, yet Museveni’s family avoids it entirely, it cannot even treat Janet Museveni, who is routinely flown abroad for medical care.
The double standard is staggering. Museveni alone is allocated billions in unaccountable funds for ‘donations,’ while his brother, Salim Saleh, gets billions more for Operation Wealth Creation. At the same time, while rampant unemployment forces desperate citizens to flee the nation into modern-day slavery abroad, Odrek Rwabogo—Museveni’s son-in-law—is allocated billions of taxpayers’ money to run his own private business, allegedly to promote the nation’s exports. That is on top of the trillions allocated to security and defense, managed alongside his son Muhoozi, and the massive budget given to his wife’s Ministry of Education. The fish rots from the head. This is why government officials are swimming in corruption that stinks to high heaven, flaunting their opulence with multiple concubines while our nation is left bleeding in ruins.