How to get away with corruption in Uganda

I imagine that the headline of this article is already suggestive of preaching to the choir.

You could already be asking; who doesn’t know how to get away with corruption in Uganda? Is it that hard a task? You must be wondering: Does it still require any sophistication in Uganda, to successfully steal taxpayers’ money and resources?

Just steal and go develop yourself; all will be fine. Walk away like a dog that has eased itself in a cooking pot. Nobody is interested in running after you, except a visitor that will find it strange - especially those coming from countries where leaders are not respected as representatives of people in eating and all except serving.

Nevertheless, although corruption is normal in Uganda now, I will still pass my advice to those who might be unlucky to get caught or scolded. There will always be that unlucky person that will be beaten for what everyone else does with indifference from above.

Sometimes, even the darlings (sons and daughters of the house) get shouted at, by clueless dogs. Take my advice, and thank me after successful theft.

The first thing you should note is that you are not the only thief. Others have stolen sums almost half the national budget. What are 500 iron sheets? What are a few billions off a roads or health budget? So, remember that the accuser is also as guilty as guilt. Deep inside, he is not convinced that what you have done is that much wrong.

Your main fault is to steal stupidly or to steal above your status ceiling. High-end theft has its owners. Only operate within the range of your political license. You may take a rabbit, but not a cow.

It is good manners to know where you belong on the ladder of importance. You don’t see children of the home jumping on the sofa and you join in. While pigs and warthogs belong to the same family, they don’t dine together. Only a stupid pig pushes its snout onto a warthog’s prey.

At times you are just unlucky to be caught at a politically wrong time. As they say, when bad luck chooses you as a companion, even a ripe banana can remove your teeth. While January to December is often right time for theft of public funds in Uganda, watch out for the times – so that bad luck doesn’t find you flatfooted.

Sometimes the alpha may shout at a thief, but please calm down. It’s only for public impressions – just as the anti-corruption walk some years ago, where the corrupt paraded themselves in a public workout of cutting on fat to create space for new guilty weight.

Don’t feel guilty for the theft. Bear the little pain and join the public performance in courts of law and short prison stunts. Soon you will be out, jumping like a frog in moonlight with your loot. The nosy public will already have moved on to another scandal, as the supply is steady.

Should you not be sure if the alpha still cares enough about you, or that you might be one of the family black sheep to be sacrificed on the altar of political impressions, do this: show him that you have a huge block of voters behind you. Pull out the tribal or religious card, whatever would work best in the circumstances.

Mobilise your tribemates and craft a dramatic public show of dissatisfaction. Let them show up at court wailing and loudly demanding to know why of all people it is their son or daughter that is being ‘witch-hunted’. It is not difficult to blackmail a grossly guilty club.

Make it seem to be a case of government against the tribe. Ask them what your tribe did to be targeted. In Uganda’s tribally charged society, you will always get tribemates to buy into your blackmail. In any case, you can buy them or they are also likely to be lower-level thieves - of construction site cement, kameeza, njawulo, chai, etc.

Let them scream in emotive frenzy threatening that, should the persecution continue, they will stop voting for the alpha. Let them threaten to quit the party, to join opposition. They will have touched the button that matters. You will be good to go. You will have grown bigger than accountability.

If you can’t play the ethnic or religious card, I still have a strategy for you. Should they make you a subject of corruption discussions, demanding for accountability, cry political persecution. Don’t respond to the accountability questions they raise.

Instead, accuse them of getting personal. Accuse them of working for ‘forces’ using them to plot for your downfall. Play victim. After all, the real victims hardly have a voice to compete with yours that goes straight into the alpha’s ears.

Carefully craft God into your narrative. God won’t come down to protest or strike you for dressing up your thieving with his name. Remind those accusing you of corruption or oppression that the Lord is your strength and, therefore, no weapon shaped against you will prosper. If they have forgotten the most important verse in the Bible, remind them that “leaders come from God”.

By demanding for accountability from you, they are questioning God’s wisdom. Should all this fail, which is highly unlikely, stock your wardrobe with yellow clothes of all manner of designs. Make sure you add the logo, which you can guess.

Then wear these at every public event, with preliminary praises for the Alpha at the opening of every speech. Thank him for having transformed the country from scratch to one that is worth speaking about internationally. Announce that you have already started mobilising voters for the next elections. Dramatically kneel down and beg him to remain on the Main.

If you follow my advice keenly, accountability will forget your name, no matter how much the public shouts.

jsssentongo@gmail.com

The author is a teacher of philosophy