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Uganda magically transformed in March 2023

It was full house during the passing of the Anti-Homosexuality Bill, 2023

It was full house during the passing of the Anti-Homosexuality Bill, 2023

Let me tell you an inspiring story,

A story about a beautiful landlocked country,
A country in the eastern part of Africa,
A country called The Pearl of Africa, to be precise.

In March 2023, the legislators of the Pearl saw it fit to pass an Anti-Homosexuality Bill. The unanimous decision was supported by over 70 per cent of the legislators. There are stringent penalties for sexual minorities and their sympathizers.

But that’s not the magic I am taking about;
Listen, listen and get inspired by what I am about to tell you about this country.

When the bill was passed, all the ministers whose names appeared in the Karamoja iron sheets’ scandal resigned from their positions. They did this to promote morality and accountability and as an apology to the designated beneficiaries. In fact, they didn’t only resign; they doubled the number of iron sheets that they had gotten and went to distribute them to the people of Karamoja.

Additionally, all political prisoners were released and all the men and women in uniform who tortured any political prisoner were fired, arrested and charged for their brutal actions. I am telling you, the Anti- Homosexuality Bill became the moral yardstick to hold everyone accountable.

Did I tell you that when the bill was passed, teenage pregnancies were no more? You see, proponents of the bill argued that “homosexuals” force minors into sex and that may have explained the spiralling number of teenage pregnancies during the Covid-19 lockdown.

Uhhhmm, did I talk about the economic transformation that happened as soon as the bill was passed? The curse of homosexuality had stunted the country’s economic growth but when the bill was passed, the economy went swwwwiiiiii! It was magical indeed.

From struggling to attain middle-income status, Uganda became the third largest economy in Africa. I had almost forgotten about the health sector. You see, homosexuals” had contributed to the stagnation in the delivery of health services. As soon as the Anti-Homosexuality Bill was passed, the ministry of Health published the full accountability of the Covid-19 funding it got from local contributors, government and external agencies.

And that’s not all. Every region got a fully stocked and fully functional cancer institute. Ambulances were fuelled and availed to every health centre. Hospitals were fully stocked with medicines and medics never went on strike to demand higher pay because they got a pay rise.

Oh my! I had forgotten about the teachers! Do you know how teaching became a respectable profession just after the passing of the bill? Heeee! I saw it with my two naked eyes! Both teachers of Arts and Sciences got equal pay, hence they were accorded the respect they all deserved. Wow, it had never occurred to anyone that Uganda would reach this stage.

Hooo, youth unemployment also reduced. You see, most of the unemployed youths were either homos or sympathizers of these evil people. When the bill was passed, all the unemployed youths gained meaningful employment. Having connections and speaking a certain language mattered no more.

You remember the potholes I used to complain about? Yes, those ones that would shift one’s uterus when they sat in an old taxi? Well, because of the passing of the Anti-Homosexuality Bill, the government’s hands were no longer tied by the curses brought by ungodly people called homosexuals.

All roads were worked on. The potholes were fixed. Local contractors did a surprising tremendous job than those expensive foreign contractors. And the biggest of all the admirable swift changes that happened after the passing of the Anti-Homosexuality Bill, the president of the Republic of Uganda allowed to step down.

He said that this was the moral thing to do. Having defeated homosexuality, he declared his 37-year mission in Uganda’s highest office accomplished. In fact, he went to look for the short girl who had proposed to be his side chick so that they could map out a befitting retirement plan for him.

He called the security officials who had summoned and questioned his side chick in-waiting. He warned them against following critical writers. He invited all the writers who had suffered torture and censorship and apologized to them. In fact, he asked them to write for him a befitting resignation letter. He left words of wisdom to the incoming president.

He said, and I quote, “Writers are just messengers. Never torture a writer. Take the message, and spare the messenger.”

As I am writing this, Uganda has a new president who was elected by the masses after the resignation of the longest-serving president. I know what you are thinking. Well, the new president isn’t Museveni’s son.

The former general retired and took his family home including his son who was aspiring to become president. They are busy tending to their long-horned cattle.

Where was I? Please remind me. Oh yes, I remember. I was telling you about the magical transformation that happened
in Uganda when the Anti-Homosexuality Bill was passed in March 2023.

We are free from the curses from those ungodly individuals. Their “unnatural” acts had caused social, economic and political stagnation in the country. We are free now.

ashabannah@gmail.com

The writer is a human rights activist.

Comments

+1 #1 Kyokufente 2023-03-30 17:42
Imagine if your father or mother was gay, you would not be sarcastically humoring us in your write-ups or doing activism for anything.

How about u advocating for reproductive health rights that gays don't meet by any standards?
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+1 #2 Akao 2023-04-01 17:48
Quoting Kyokufente:
Imagine if your father or mother was gay, you would not be sarcastically humoring us in your write-ups or doing activism for anything.

How about u advocating for reproductive health rights that gays don't meet by any standards?


What reproductive right are you talking about. With all the children on the streets of Uganda that no one is caring caring for.

Who said gay people can not have children. Iam straight like a stick, but I don't care what adults do with their life or who they choose to sleep with.

The real problem is not being addressed, that is immorality that children learn from adults by engaging in sexual activities at very young age.

Again this does not happen in countries that have the highest number of homosexuality which I happen to live in one. Compare how many children are engaging in sextual activities in Uganda with the US for exqmple
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