If as a couple you have not worked out how your finances work for you individually, then as a couple, and as a family, trouble is on its way, if not already there.
Among young, newlywed couples, the money issue seems to be a huge issue of contention, especially considering that increasingly many go into marriage with separate, flourishing careers and income/ savings.
In one case, a teacher married to a headteacher is considering throwing in the towel, after her husband took away her ATM card two years ago, giving it to a moneylender as collateral for a loan that he (the husband) took for reasons the wife has no idea about. She is reportedly practicing submission and keeping the peace by not asking questions, or asking the bank to issue her a new card and block the old one.
Now every month, her salary goes directly to the moneylender, which would probably not be catastrophic, if the husband used his salary to take care of the home, but nope. He expects her to additionally pay all the bills and school fees.
No wonder, their sleeping arrangement now is that she faces the foot of the bed and he faces the opposite direction, because she cannot stand making love with him. It is a matter of time before that wife completely crawls out of that bed and marriage. It does not matter how well-endowed or skilled in love one is; mishandling money in your marriage will take all the sexy shine off you in no time at all.
So, couples still do this – using sex as a weapon and bargaining chip. Look, one day you will slap a sex ban in place and notice after several weeks that your spouse is not really bothered whether the ban is lifted or not, and that they still spot that afterglow only well-loved people have!
There is a reason why even the Bible advises that, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil (Eph 4:26- 27).
You cannot draw out an argument for days, then weeks, months... all the time withholding the one thing that intimately strengthens your bond as a couple. One day it will backfire on you, if it has not, already.
MAKING IT ABOUT PROCREATION
The search for a baby is a legitimate, noble one, but don’t let it ruin your sex life to the point that baby turns up and there is nothing to salvage.
Couples faced with infertility challenges tend to forget that lovemaking is also meant to be enjoyed. The police-like scheduling, choreographed sex positions and anxiety that come with focusing on mentally guiding his ‘swimmers’ to your good egg... they can all take a toll and remove all the joy from the sex; the bed starts to feel more like a malfunctioning baby factory and less of the sanctuary where you cheer your pink elephants on.
Psychologists will tell you to relax...whatever will be, will be. Just make sure you make love regularly, rule out any secondary factors that could be holding your parenthood back.
But don’t turn your spouse into an acrobat in bed, looking for the ‘most fertile positions’; don’t voice your frustrations over the ‘futility’ of your antics, during the lovemaking – or ever; it all has its limits. I know couples that got their miracle baby alright, but contrary to baby cementing their marriages, they broke up after a couple of birthdays.
Blame mishandling the procreation drama and the postpartum relief and jubilation – in some cases, the factory ii shut down for good, now that is has delivered a product, and all the attention by one party is focused on ‘the product’, to the chagrin of the other party.
Live your life, enjoy your marriage, and baby will be the surprise that comes without breaking you up first.