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Sex evolves. Be at peace with that

It is quite expected that the libido you have in your forties or fifties is a shadow of your 25-year-old self that seemed to rise to every occasion.

That is why it is interesting seeing men try to force that 20-something version of themselves to reappear, often with disastrous results. It is the so-called midlife crisis; the realisation that the youthful, ‘Eveready’ you is going, going, gone, and your desperate cling unto him is by way of dressing like him, being smooth with the girls like him, having as many toys and gadgets as possible at your disposal, etc, to convince yourself and the world that the changes you truthfully feel are happening to someone else!

That ship has sailed, man, and it is okay! You can make people that truly love you miserable, as you search for your diminished youth. Adjust to this new you, and extract the best version of you that you can summon.

No, by all means don’t curl up and die or become so boring and insufferable, but live in and enjoy your new age. And it is not just men; women too have their moments of denial that the tide has changed and it is okay to adjust accordingly, without losing your spunk and your ‘sexy’.

For example, there are things you did as a young person, which, if you tried them now 30 years later, would only draw blanks.

Don’t be shocked if back in the day you would casually mention your knickers-free situation and have him go a little crazy with imagination and want, yet that same husband today would probably not lift his head from the newspaper he is reading if you walked by naked.

It is all part of what makes marriage hard work. The sex? It evolves. Not necessarily in a bad way; sometimes it grows and gets more trusting, more comfortable and fulfilling as certain dynamics in the marriage get shaken up then fall back in place.

But it can be hard work too as switches that worked smoothly back in the day now require cajoling and coaxing into action.

Erogenous zones that were a sure- fire way of getting it on may become used to your touch and find it a tad monotonous – even annoying.

Your jokes may no longer be so funny and your backside not as much a turn on. Therein lies the hard work. And some couples, instead of investing in that hard work, give up at this point, allowing third and forth parties in to fill the glaring gaps.

Don’t blame it on marriage; it can be worse for those cohabiting, because even there, you can easily fall into a monotonous sex routine and find yourselves drifting apart before ever solemnizing the union. Work hard and allow change and adjustments.

What turned you on before can now be a real peeve; what looked good on you in your heyday could now only draw amused chuckles.

Just allow flexibility; you will find life and love still very enjoyable as long as you stop complicating yourself.

carol@observer.ug

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