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Sex Talk: In 2022, you can...

...Cook and clean, sir

You won’t die. Try it. The last part of this year has been partly dominated by the conversation on unpaid domestic labour.

I saw some interesting debates on social media, with many men totally against compensating wives who, on top of the daily grind like any man, also take care of domestic chores, children, name it.

The general consensus seemed to be: “It is a wife’s role to do the cooking, cleaning and nurturing – for free.”

Hmmm...our societal expectations of the genders certainly put in place an interesting manual – one that has over the years been edited several times over to allow women to also be bread winners and bill payers/providers/protectors in their marriages, without touching the section about domestic work.

Unfortunately, these dynamics are some of the most pertinent when it comes to how a marriage’s sex life pans out. Burnt out wives cannot be tigresses in bed.

In most of the cases I have encountered, the issues that have ruined the sex life have to do with finances and home chores.

Wives that have been thrust into the bread winner role without being relieved of some of their domestic roles subconsciously start withholding the sex; not because they want to place a ban on the sex, but because they feel genuinely overworked and exhausted at the end of the day.

The easiest ‘chore’ to kick off the to-do-list is usually sex; after all, the stress of the day would have left her own libido at a possible zero.

So, mister, you can occasionally cook, you can clean, you can take care of your children, starting with this coming year, and you will be surprised by how it will not kill you – just like your wife ‘occasionally’ pays the school fees, pays the bills, pays the rent and has not lost her breasts.

For the sake of your sex life and marital health, take one for the team. If your pitching in once in a while will ensure that a less tired, more ready-to-mingle wife joins you in bed later, then why not?

This is especially for the younger couples just starting the marital journey, where homes are smaller and possibly don’t have
a maid, but have a child or three. Mister, pitch in!

Some men grew up with matriarchs that taught them how to cook, clean and be as domesticated as their sisters, but ironically, they too marry and suddenly lord it over their wives, then complain at the kiduuka about the state of their marriages.

You possibly are even the better cook; so, cook. Let her shine elsewhere.

...Spend on yourself – and him – ma’am

There is an indescribable joy derived from giving. A life of take, take, take must feel so belittling and enslaving!

Ladies, let us take some of our pride back, come 2022. Don’t normalise being a financial burden.

Yes, some men love to provide (like I said, giving brings a certain fulfilment that only givers will understand), but when you move to leech proportions, it ceases being funny or sexy. You become a burden and that will gradually also kill your desirability.

You start setting off the same palpitations he feels when a moneylender comes to collect...

May 2022 allow you to reassert a level of financial independence. One where you can do some things around your home with your ‘sente y’ekikyala’. One where you can finance a date night or even treat yourself to luxuries you want.

I have heard of a Kampala wife threatening to divorce her husband for failure to buy her clothes and personal effects, despite him taking care of his home and family 100 per cent in all the other ways.

Dear working wife, go spend on yourself and your man; you will not die – promise!

This business of demanding for things you never could buy for yourself (not even as a single working woman) should be left in this year.

Because many women treat marriage like an acquisition of one’s very own ATM machine, many men also view the institution as purchasing one’s very own cooker, washing machine, vacuum cleaner and incubator all rolled in a bummy, beautiful-eyed package.

Be different, going forward. Allow yourself to genuinely enjoy lovemaking when and as you want it, as opposed to constantly feeling like you dutifully owe your husband sex...that any sex will do...

Allow yourself to come with boldness to the table where conjugal rights are dished out, as opposed to approaching it sheepishly because you know not only does your wife do all the domestic work at home, but she is also the family’s financier.

And your contribution, sir, to that efficient marriage? Just sex. Shaa!

carol@observer.ug

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