Sex Talk: What exactly is going on?

As you continue setting unrealistic standards of beauty for women, wait for the day she asks you to “pass me my buttocks; they’re in the top drawer”! That is, if she has not done so, already.

If you think you have seen it all with the wigs and breast pads coming off at the end of a long day, you haven’t seen anything yet – the way things are going.

One of my favourite imaginations when I am bored, is of the man who spends days and sleepless nights distracted by this woman with the perfect backside, until he finally wins her over and does a victory lap all the way to the bedroom.

In my fertile imagination, I see his eyes pop out of his head as he unwraps his conquest, only to find…no big bum. I imagine him frantically checking under the sheets and under the bed, questioning his sanity…

But it is what it is; these days, everything can be extended, reduced, pumped, lightened, enhanced, borrowed, or even detached at will.

There are very few women still with their factory settings, believe me. Why? The standards we set for feminine beauty are next to impossible. Your wife is a dark beauty, you cheat on her with someone who almost glows in the dark.

To fight for her man, wifey starts on those injectable and intravenous bleaching agents to look somewhere close to the competition.
On the other side of town, the young woman who was recently dumped for a girl with pointy, braless breasts, vows, “Never again!”

She goes shopping for adhesive fake nipples that can be attached to one’s chest to give the illusion of naked, pointed nipples under a cotton T-shirt. There are also bras fitted with fake nipples, which when fitted, give the impression of a young, restless bosom.

I think men groomed this monster; they now have to live with it. The day I thought I had seen it all, found me in a lingerie shop in downtown Kampala, where a young woman walked in and shouted over my shoulder to the shopkeeper: “Mulina obubina? [Do you sell bums?]”

I could not help myself but turn to see why she needed to buy one, but her eyes, fitted with false eyelashes stopped me in my tracks with that ‘mind your own business’ look.

Women cannot be faulted for not trying, all in the name of pleasing men, unfortunately. But is it worth it, if you are going to depend on a waist trimmer to ‘net’ the perfect man, only for you to unleash the real stomach in original factory settings on your wedding night or whenever…? How then, do you explain the…surplus?

It is high time we lived for ourselves too. Enroll at a gym because you want to; it is healthy, and it makes you feel like a million dollars afterwards – not because you are trying to bag a mister. Their standards of beauty are not constant, those ones.

Today the stick-like models are all the rage and half the city women get on the verge of anorexia trying to achieve that waif-like look. A few months down the road, the same men will be raving on social media about how good ‘thick’ girls are, leaving my gender confused.

Just be you and do you, my sister; put the best version of you forward and we move. Otherwise, this trying to follow every beauty trend that you think is the latest magic bullet will leave you unrecognizable to your own children and spouse!

By the time some bodies are 50, they are tired, battered and no longer cooperative no matter how many adhesive body parts and silicone extensions you try. And worst of all: you most likely still did not succeed in keeping the man.


© 2016 Observer Media Ltd