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Sex Talk: Create your happy bubble

Hope you came out of the February 14 hullabaloo with great lessons on loving yourself.

For whatever reasons, this Valentine’s day seems to have been celebrated more than others in the recent years. Maybe I am the one that stays in the ‘wrong’ neighbourhood, but people actually wore lots of red, and the stingy men’s association must have been greatly disappointed as those Four Cousins wine/flowers hampers arrived at several doorsteps.

Maybe because we are coming off a quite depressing year and period, where our joy was seriously hampered; but this year people really celebrated their love in whichever way the pandemic allowed. I also know others who slipped into depression-proper, because their significant other did not seem to remember the relevance of Valentine’s day.

But look, the best way to get people to love you and seek you out, is loving yourself. It has a way it bounces off you and touches other people too. And, on the contrary, being needy and clingy has the opposite effect; it doesn’t get your significant other to love you more; it could drive him/her away, instead.

So, whom did you love more on Valentine’s day? Truth is, you have all the days of the year to love on your spouse if you choose to, but the one person that you can easily completely neglect to love all year, is yourself.

Coincidentally, I had just read somewhere: “Before you can be kind to others, you have to be kind to yourself”. And Robert Kiyosaki wrote in one of his celebrated Rich Dad books: “Pay yourself first” as a good strategy.

I hope someone used February 14 to really love on oneself for a change. When you go on to love someone else, it is wonderfully different and fulfilling.

So, allowing yourself to look like you are constantly ‘in the struggle’? That is a slip in self-love. Look good, feel good, sound great. Allowing your happiness to be dictated by someone else? No self-love. Allowing your sex schedule to always be
dictated by your spouse’s sex needs as opposed to you initiating it as and when you want it?

Where is the love? Settling for mediocre sex without a word? No self-love. When you love yourself, you also wish all the world’s good things come your way sometime; so, speak up about what you prefer, what would make the lovemaking better and which parts of your body are more responsive today, as opposed to doing the cliché things every other couple does.

Knowing the kind of loving you deserve, but keeping mum about it – ‘as long as my spouse is happy’? No self-love there. I hope someone remembers your martyrdom one day; otherwise, look out for yourself too. There is no gain in being a bitter martyr.

One-sided compromise all the time in matters of parenting, sex, finance, etc? You have the answer by now. Start small. Test how well you enjoy your own company.

Spa day does not have to always be ‘couple treat’ or girls’ day out. It can be just you and you alone. You can enjoy a drink or a day at your latest project without your boys.

It is easier to welcome people into your happy space, instead of you being in a constant battle to squeeze yourself into other people’s happy bubbles. It is a lot of unfair responsibility to expect your spouse to be the sole custodian of your happiness.

carol@observer.ug

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