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Sex Talk: What to expect when you are still a virgin

A friend called for a friend: “[She] is getting married in a few days and wants to know what to expect on her wedding night. She is a virgin. What should she even pack?”

Okay, I have had my share of questions, but I have to admit this was a first and I had a good laugh. But when we were done with the banter and my friend, who was preparing a bridal shower for her friend, pulled out her notebook and I could hear her making notes.

We went through what to pack, etc, and then she said, sending me back into giggles: “Now for the bed part. What should she do… how?!”

That made me feel like a professional ssenga – which I am not! Still a regular journalist over here… hellooo… But we got into it, and afterwards I thought, there are probably many more virgin brides and grooms (yes, after Joel Ssenyonyi, I am a believer) walking down the aisle soon with their hearts wondering about the first sexual encounter with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. Well, here is what I told my friend to tell her friend.


You both waited this long; one more night will definitely not kill you. I heard a wife advise a soon-to-be bride during a bridal shower a few years ago, that wedding night sex is overrated.

That made perfect sense. After all the wedding higi-haga, crinkum-crankum, you will most likely be tired with aching feet, and both of you may need a good night’s sleep more than anything.

There is no law that says you must consummate the marriage on the wedding night. Any expected discomfort when losing one’s virginity can easily be exaggerated by fatigue and being still high-strung from all the festivities.

Get rid of the soreness in other parts of your body put there by wedding stresses, and prepare for more pleasant soreness.


When you are finally ready to step into the room and meet the lovely pink elephants, ease into the sex gradually – hoping your spouse is the patient and generous kind in bed.

You can cuddle, kiss, explore each other’s bodies and take your time on foreplay, until you feel absolutely ready to take the plunge.

For many women, lovemaking is forever ruined by that first encounter. Depending on how it was handled, events from that episode alone can dictate how your wife views and responds to sex for the rest of the marriage. So, like a connoisseur trying to sell life membership to a revered club, make this first time count. After all, first impressions are lasting ones too.


I see at bridal showers everyone unpacking those catapult-like contraptions for the bride-to-be to carry with her for the hot sex ahead.

But quite honestly, as an African woman with African ‘assets’, those things can be a piece of purgatory to walk around in! Be comfortable but sexy.

There is an array of sexy lingerie to choose from for your honeymoon. Focusing more on the fabric (yes to lace and cottons) and design (naughty but comfy) makes more sense than entangling yourself in infection-inducing strings.


And oh, you are one of the lucky few that make it to the starting line of the marriage race as a virgin. Make it count.

You can even make a private ritual of it! Pray and dedicate your ‘launch’ in a special way and declare to the heavens that oh, you intend to enjoy the sex in your marriage immensely, and to perfectly satisfy your spouse from this day forward.

So help you God! Let all the pink and polka-dotted elephants waiting for you know that you have arrived. No harm it that.


As for the rest of the details and technicalities of lovemaking? There are none. At least none that are etched in stone for all couples.

Couples set their own dynamics and preferences in bed. Spouses respond to what the other spouse is doing, and how. Don’t start off your marriage with fake theatrics and being quite the show (wo) man; the guitar’s sound depends very much on the skill of the strummer. It will all eventually come together; worry not!



+1 #1 Apollo 2021-01-21 23:40
Crazy article. Loved the "wedding higi-haga, crinkum-crankum....". Awesome.
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