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Your sex life mirrors your approach to living

I have always suspected it to be true that the way one approaches life has a lot to say about how one also approaches sex, and vice versa.

And now, experts in sexuality agree that one’s sex life is indeed a metaphor for life. Don’t you ever wonder what kind of lover an annoyingly bad motorist must be, by just watching them on the road?

I once hitched a ride in a lady’s car that was so badly littered and filthy that I was scared I would step out with baby poop on my clothes; it did not help that she was married, so my imagination went into overdrive about what her bedroom must be like, not to mention the sex she serves and receives there!

“One could say that how you ‘do’ sex is a metaphor for how you ‘do’ life. Your sexual relationships reflect the same habitual patterns and survival strategies…that you exhibit in other areas of your life – except these patterns are often even more pronounced in the sexual arena,” Suzie Heumann and Dr Susan Campbell write in The Everything Great Sex Book.

Dr Campbell teaches human sexuality at the Saybrook Graduate School in San Francisco. I knew it! Some of our habits are just too peculiar they have to be trickling into other parts of our lives, especially sex. Table manners. The amount of respect (or lack of any) accorded to others.

Temperament. I don’t see how a quarrelsome wife can stop herself from turning into ‘Inspector Derricka’ in bed, interrogating the pink elephants out of her husband’s head during lovemaking.

I just don’t see how a stingy husband can miraculously become generous and giving when it comes to sex. He will eagerly take, take, take and not care if his wife is enjoying herself or not. And the opposite is true; someone who is eager to please and make others feel great will most likely also be giving and attentive during sex – unless things and biology just refuse to cooperate.

The authors recommend: “If you want to change one or more of the habitual ways you react to things, sex is a good place to start…It is an area of life that is concrete.”

They reason, if you are having trouble asking for what you want or standing up for yourself, then sex is a good place to start practicing. The more uninhibited you are in your lovemaking, the more uninhibited you will find yourself being in other arenas of your life, including the workplace.

It is also true that if you are always uncomfortable in your skin, won’t accept compliments for what they are, don’t feel deserving of good things that come to you, the same pattern will be visible in the way you make love and view sex in general – a chore, a hustle, a shameful necessity you endure in small doses for the sake of the marriage.

Practice self-expression, self-love, generosity and responsibility before, during and after sex; according to the authors, this training transfers to other areas of your life, and vice versa.

If sex is meaningless to you because of how little enjoyment you derive from it in your marriage, then you will have no qualms using it as a tool to get what you want from whoever is interested in it as barter, even outside the marriage. Train yourself into an attitude change when it comes to sex; your life will be all the better for it.

carol@observer.ug

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