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Sex Talk: Don’t be scary, but don’t be boring

Those words I borrowed from Naomi Wolf’s Vagina: A New Biography.

They explain best what women’s fascination is with the ‘bad boy’, as opposed to Mr Prim and Proper who has his life and ‘ish’ together.

Women have often been accused of taking the ‘good guys’ for granted and giving the ‘bad boys’ all the undeserved sugar. Well, it is this same author who wrote her research findings thus: “Your brain is connected to your vagina.”

So, naturally, if you are trying to stimulate a woman sexually, stop focusing on just the obvious physical things; for women more than men, sex indeed starts in the brain. You should still be capable of mentally stimulating your wife if the magic and pink elephants are to stay in your marriage of many years.

Some women are stimulated by intelligence in men; some are stimulated by power; some find men who listen when they (the women) talk, desirable; others respond sexually to a man whose demeanour is stern; some are stimulated by men who take charge in difficult situations; many more like a man with a sense of humour and fun.

Oh yes, and others are stimulated by a man who readily alleviates a woman’s financial stresses. All those stimulations have little to do with the physical touch, yet, depending on how well you can read your wife, you will find that she also finds you very desirable sexually, beyond just your physical looks and size. Yes, it is what it is.

Many good, soft, perfect gentlemen walk this earth, but strangely seem to attract lightning bolts for wives, and the ‘good girls’ on the other hand that you would imagine would be attracted to those ‘good boys’, are busy hustling with their thunderous choices of ‘bad boys’ elsewhere.

Blame the ‘wiring’.

Wolf uses classic literature to demonstrate that these trends are not new or unique to modern generations but, rather, have followed a centuries- old pattern that inspired bestselling literary works.

“Consider [bad, haughty, unkind] Darcy in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice (1813) and [good, kind] Darcy revealed later in the novel. Think about [nice] Edgar Linton versus [dangerous] Heathcliff in Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights (1847). Look at the [dangerous] Rochester before the fire in Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre (1847), vs. the [safe, nice] St. John and the [safe, nice] Rochester who is blinded, after the fire,” she writes. “Look at the [nice, boring] Ashley Wilkes vs. [bad, enthralling] Rhett Butler in Margaret Mitchell’s Gone With The Wind (1936). Look at the [safe, nice] early Beatles versus the [bad, dangerous] Rolling Stones in the 1960s.”

Am I suggesting men should treat their wives like trash in order to stimulate the part of their brains that is irrevocably attached to their vaginas? Absolutely not.

Like wolf put it, you don’t have be scary, but don’t be boring either. Allow some excitement into the marriage. You could be the one responsible for the sizzle leaving your sex life completely. Talk and listen to your wife. It is an ingredient that stimulates her mentally and sexually. Tell her she is beautiful – brain stimulation.

Gaze into her eyes when you talk or even make love – brain stimulation. Be generous in and out of bed – brain stimulation. Take her ideas and preferences seriously.

Some husbands argue they have absolutely nothing to talk about with their spouses, which is so unfortunate. When choosing a marriage partner, please choose the one you can effortlessly talk to about anything and everything, among other attributes. That feeds all marriage departments well.

carol@observer.ug

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