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Sex talk: Pay yourself first

One of the lasting pieces of counsel I ever read more than 10 years ago in Robert Kiyosaki’s book, Rich Dad, Poor Dad, was his advice to business owners to “Pay yourself first”.

He argued, everybody else will constantly nip at your heels demanding for their payment and you won’t afford to ignore them, but you are the only person who will never nag yourself for payment. So, he reasoned, pay yourself first and you will comfortably hunt for resources to pay everybody else.

Of course the bummer was when Kiyosaki went and declared bankruptcy a few years later, himself – ouch! – throwing the legion of fans who read his books like business bibles, for a loop.

But I was thinking about his statement in regards to marriage and sex. While it can sound selfish, it is okay to look out for yourself, as opposed to completely ignoring your sexual needs and growing bitterer and bitterer each day, because high-and-dry you shares a bed with a blissfully satisfied spouse.

Even on a plane, they warn you that in case you are travelling with a child and cabin pressure falls enough for the oxygen masks to drop, put a mask over your mouth and nose first, before attending to the young one in your care. Because if roles were reversed, that young one obviously would not know how to help you.

Think of it that way; if you are used to constantly making sure your spouse is enjoying the sex and even go to the lengths of pretending you too are having a good time when you are most certainly not, then you are sentencing yourself to a lifetime of bad sex and not knowing how to rectify it.

I know; I often write that make your spouse’s sexual enjoyment your business. Not to get it twisted, this does not mean always doing it at the expense of your own pleasure. What are you? A martyr?

You can put yourself first by, for example, initiating the sex whenever you want it, as opposed to ‘simmering’ quietly in a corner and waiting for when your spouse feels up to it and makes the first move on another day – usually when you are totally not in the mood.

Talk about what turns you on and what does not, and feel free to suggest new ‘tricks’, touches and aids to enhance your experience, as opposed to being compliant even where you don’t enjoy at all.

The gist of ‘paying yourself first’ is that the other person – assuming they know what they want – will aggressively go after what they desire anyway, but the modesty in you may not allow you to. So, you take care of yourself first.

Very much like pulling the oxygen mask over your nose so as to be comfortable enough to help the other person get their oxygen flow too.

When you have quality sex under your belt, you are inevitably more generous to your spouse because you very well know the beautiful feeling you want to share. But where sex is just another case of ‘meeeeeh!’ even what you dish out will be just as boring and unmemorable. 

Nothing beats a genuine, uninhibited response during lovemaking.

Even the dullest-looking people on the streets get to keep happy marriages back home, because they have mastered the art of ‘pay day’ when it comes to sex and reciprocating ecstasy.

And some of the glamorous-looking people on the street have miserable marriages back home, because they have settled for faking their enjoyment and being compliant to what they don’t even like, just for just…

If you learn to go for your needs and your spouse does the same, you will naturally know how to help each other on the odd day when one is on top of the world and the other is in the doldrums.

carol@observer.ug

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