Because I write a lot about how wives too should teach themselves how to initiate lovemaking in their marriages, some readers have responded wondering whether I know “how hard that is”.
Well, it can only be hard when one is not interested in having sex with one’s husband and is thus coming from a faked place. But where enjoyment is mutual in your marriage and you know all the secret recipes and how to turn the stove on, why always wait for someone else to do the cooking for you?
I asked a few Ugandan women if they ever initiated sex in their marriages.
One told me straight away: “No, I am always too tired.”
She reasoned that today’s woman works too hard and it is inevitable that sex is viewed as working overtime. Talk about bringing your work home with you…
“So, if he does not make a move, I send a grateful prayer heavenward.”
Another told me, she initiates sex about twice a year, depending on how her ovulation treats her. I asked whether, like others had intimated, she too picks a fight with her husband as the strange way of initiating sex.
In some marriages, makeup sex is the only way couples make love without the husband initiating it directly. Sexually aroused wives with no clue how to seduce their husbands choose to pick fights to achieve the ending they crave. But this wife I interviewed pleasantly surprised me, even though she said it happens “rarely”.
“I use my kamasu (mousetrap),” she said, then burst into laughter. When I pressed her on what the trap was, she elaborated.
“I make the bedroom look so inviting by cleaning and changing a few things. Then I switch on our favourite songs and invite him to slow dance with me; I make the bed in a very suggestive way with crisp, fresh sheets and dim the lights. If all that doesn’t work, I even brush against him suggestively…” she said. Clap, clap, clap!
She said because she rarely does it, when it happens, she achieves 100 per cent success.
“The wives that pick fights, it is because they do all the above things and her husband still does not notice or respond as expected. So, she becomes nasty and that works,” she reasoned.
Her reasoning makes sense. It reminded me of a wife who told me years ago that she gave up initiating sex the normal way the day she gave her husband a shoulder massage and he barked at her rudely for “playing when the children are watching”.
But initiating sex does not have to be so complicated, and requires no sharp words or rocket science. I was happy with the respondent who has nailed the art of “saying it best without saying anything at all”.
Men too can have bad days and off-days, when they don’t feel like initiating (in some homes, it is more like haggling and begging for) sex yet again.
Yes, such off-days for your husband could fall on a day when you are ovulating and thus overly sensitive and libidinous; or, you are trying for a baby but he is not in the mood. Take charge.
Playful and teasing touches, talking about sex in your own unique, even coded way, giving sensual massages, can all lead to great endings and give your marriage a fresh feeling afterwards.
I have read somewhere that even exercising together can have the desired effect, as does a carefully prepared meal (instead of the maid doing it yet again), words of praise and brazen touches.
Put your marriage on an even pace and make it perfectly okay for one who is more in need of some loving to get creative and whip up some pink elephants, as opposed to hoping that your spouse will always have to do the honours.
It gets old. One tip: for the average husband, it is very flattering and almost irresistible when his wife shows her desire for him openly.
And that is why with this generation of go-getter single girls not minding dating married men, some husbands are at a total loss of how to say no when a beautiful woman sets her designs on him.
It is often this new, exciting thing that brings all the problems to your doorstep. So, don’t let your husband find feminine seduction such a novelty, by doing it occasionally.