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Sex talk: Sex alone won’t keep you alive!

So, the fact that a 32-year-old broadcaster-turned-politician Joel Ssenyonyi said he is a virgin, had social media talking recently after he was interviewed by The Observer.

Some even said they don’t believe him; that he lied. And the memes that lit up different platforms!

Well, you will be shocked to learn that there are several virgins even older than 32. Male. Handsome. With no sexual dysfunctions. In fact, one of them married his similarly virgin sweetheart a few years ago and they have beautiful kids already.

So, no, there is nothing wrong with choosing chastity. They are just good, God-fearing men who choose to have sex only with their wives, whenever those wives turn up. It is increasingly a strange concept even in conservative Africa; in fact, in the West, there is such a thing as ‘virgin-shaming’.

Those who choose not to taste the broth until the meal is officially served are laughed at and scorned, and generally talked to and about like they are dinosaurs. Men (and women) who save the sex for marriage could be actually better off than the rest of us who chose differently.

It is just that we are all secretly control freaks that believe things should be done ‘my way, or the highway’!

The thing about ‘modern’ dating is that we obsess about rehearsing for the sex in marriage and testing for sexual compatibility (mbu), and never really get to prepare for the actual marriage.

We are so busy mastering the wheelbarrow and the crab positions, and shopping for the right lingerie and props that will make our pink elephants drunk on love too; we pay little or no attention to little else. Well, even after the ‘best sex ever’, you have to come up for air at some point and deal with the rest of your marriage.

For one couple, the end of the road came faster than envisioned when the rude awakening hit them just a few months into the marriage. They had enjoyed an amazing sex life during the dating and courtship, and then when they married, one of them failed to adjust to include all the other aspects of a marriage.

No wonder, people think marriage killed their sex life. No it didn’t; there was meant to be no sex life to kill, in the first place!

It is just that couples marry after experiencing all the sexual peaks during dating and courtship, and then solemnize their vows when the initial excitement is over and diminishing returns are setting in.

For this couple in question, the lover-turned-wife still wanted the naughtiness of sitting at the dining table stark naked, like she used to do when she would visit boo in his bachelor pad, making it impossible for him to finish his meal without inviting in the pink elephants.

In the marriage, he was stuck cooking and feeding his naked, sexily-pouting wife at the dining table, then clean up afterwards, do the errands, etc.

And when he would return home from work, she would also be waiting for him to lead her to the shower and wash her body lovingly, everyday, because that is how it was when they were taking their sex on road trips all over the country during courtship.

Well, you guessed right; that routine grew old and hubby wanted more from marriage. He started desiring to come home to a home-cooked meal waiting on the table instead of his naked, ready-for-sex wife – again!

They started arguing over her lack of domesticity and responsibility. They started fighting about the finances. Then he wanted children, but she still wanted to have fun just the two of them.

In came resentment and hurtful words. That marriage collapsed – and it was not due to a lack of sex. So, cut the Ssenyonyis of this world some slack; they are probably focusing their courtships on what really matters. When you have that (friendship, trust, knowing this person well, communication, etc) locked in, the sex will fall in place. 

You cannot be a sex bomb or coveted sex machine, if you really can’t ‘play’ the rest of the marriage game well. Even wives do grow weary of a husband who brings his A-game to bed, but is abusive, does not know how to stay faithful, or how to provide for his family, or even how to be a good dad.

He may last the whole nine yards and then some in bed, but only draw a yawn from his wife. That is why the 1994 song [When We’re Hungry] Love Will Keep Us Alive by Eagles always elicits a “Twala eri! (oh, shut up!)” from me whenever it plays on the radio.

And don’t get me started on the “I would die for you…” part of the lyrics.


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