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Sex talk: No place for your titles

Some people love honours and name-dropping, and sadly don’t know just when to stop. 

The kind that simply lives for the title and honours a job or family line bestowed upon them. And these are the complexes they come with to the marital bed, expecting to be duly recognised even during lovemaking. Bah!

Honourable, ssebo (for Ganda princesses), pastor, reverend, chairman, name it… if you cannot turn it into a playful endearment the way wives differentiate ‘daddy’ from ‘dzaddzzy’, then just leave your title at the door. It only spoils the broth.

Because spouses take their ‘outside world’ titles too seriously, they forget that in love and sex, tables can be flipped and one may be required to do things one hopes not even a literal fly on the wall witnessed! As long as it is mutually enjoyable by both of you and is not breaking any of the country’s or your faith’s laws.

But the princess who walks into her conjugal duties feeling like ‘ssebo’ and insisting on being treated as such, will proceed to just lie there, feeling pretty as the title hopefully does all the work.

The chairman used to the village folks treating him like Mufasa in The Lion King, may expect similar treatment in bed from his wife, as he fails to be generous during lovemaking, but is contented to take, take, and take. 

I cannot forget the pain of one man whose wife is a pastor (I pray they are still together!) who once sent me an email ranting about the fact that he spends the day with a pastor-wife and retires to bed with a Bible-wielding pastor-wife, yet he just desires to make love with his wife, period. No frills, no titles, no Bible, no tongues.

He wrote back then: “She has made me get even fed up of being born-again. When I try to touch her, she bursts into tongues and commands me not to disturb her when she is talking to God.”

Indeed, God’s people perish for lack of knowledge! There is a time and place for everything. You cannot be in pastor mode 24/7; you cannot be ‘Honourable’ or ‘Counsel’ all day, all night; just because everyone at work calls you ‘Madam CEO’ does not mean that your husband too needs to take a bow before he proceeds to undress you.

Unless you are into occasional roleplaying and looping your daily life titles playfully into your intimate moments, please drop them.
Just be a mother, wife, dad, lover, husband, the minute you walk in.

One husband once complained via email that he was tired of his wife not respecting him enough, yet the “tempting, beautiful women” he supervised at his workplace almost worshipped the ground he walked on. He was basically blaming her for pushing him in the path of temptation.

But she is the wife; what he is at the office is important to her, yes, but he certainly is not that kind of boss when he is home; expecting her to treat him as the CEO is stretching things a bit. 

In fact, even for that ‘temptation’ at the workplace, the moment s/he crosses the line from being your subordinate to your lover, that sheen of veneration and respect s/he had for you gradually disappears and you simply become you; that’s how the workplace grapevine usually gets to know which boss is naughty with which worker.

Separate the titles you work with, where. Otherwise, you are turning your marriage and the sex life in it into a nightmare because you do not know how to draw the line and have unreasonable expectations of your spouse.

carol@observer.ug

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