My latest obsession when I hit the road in what I call ‘jogging’ (some unkind people have called it jaywalking) is listening to The Love Hour podcast by American couple Kevin and Melisa Fredericks.
And the phrase that still makes a lot of sense in my head is where Kevin said in an episode: “If a man is emotionally empty inside the bedroom, he is emotionally broken outside the bedroom. If a woman is emotionally empty outside the bedroom, she is emotionally broken inside the bedroom.”
Now, I know I have referred to this very recently, but it is still ringing in my head especially when I think of some marriages. It kind of summarises the problem with modern marriages.
What the Fredericks mean – if you are a “slow-learner” like my adorable great nephew who proudly introduces himself with that tag to whoever cares to listen, thanks to a tactless kindergarten teacher – is this:
If your husband is sexually disgruntled/starved in the marriage, he will do a lot of volongoto outside the sex life. You can close your eyes and imagine all the volongoto. Then, the more your wife is stressed by all this endless volongoto of yours, the less likely she is to be a willing participant in whatever new sex moves you may have up your sleeve.
Now, the big question is, what should come first? It is a question I asked my married girlfriends on a girls’ night out recently, and one of them paid it forward by posting it on an online forum.
One of her male respondents triggered the mother of debates when he typed: “If only wives knew…just give us sex, sex, sex. We will be good to you.”
But how? The asker exploded.
In her opinion, and she echoes many a wife out there: “I can’t just give my husband sex, sex, sex, when he has already angered me and does not deserve the intimate attention.”
With that emoji of a boy with upturned hands, another respondent on the forum warned that if wives wait for the perfect temperament to indulge their husbands’ sexual needs, then marriages are still very doomed.
Well, the submissive wife – like one on the forum hinted – will avail herself physically for as long as her body is needed, but that is as much as she will do, as the rest of her broken self time-travels to more pleasant places and people. That lukewarm or outright cold lovemaking is also not a recipe for a lasting, happy marriage. Sooner or later, it implodes.
The question goes back to, what comes first? The chicken or the egg?
If I could help any couple effect a do-over, I would simply say, do your part dedicatedly, regardless what the naysayers say, and everything will fall in place. In an era when wives are struggling with stresses that should ideally not be theirs; where husbands are publically emasculated and no longer know how to be ‘real men’; where overburdened wives have delegated on what should not be delegated and focused on being the ‘men’ in their homes… it is no wonder that someone is broken outside the bedroom and causing even more brokenness inside the same bedroom. Because yes, hurt people hurt people.
So maybe start with – especially for those still fresh on the marriage path – making it your business that your spouse is not emotionally empty because of your actions or lack of any, thus causing brokenness where it really affects you.
Every wife wants a successful, responsible husband; every husband wants a sexy, responsible wife. Those personalities will not emerge if your spouse is broken or empty outside the bedroom.
For optimal job performance, good health, self-confidence, etc, great sex plays a big role. But if your wife is too injured and damaged to sexually deliver at the level you want, then maybe you are to blame.
If your husband is becoming unproductive at work, a nuisance in the bars and community, maybe you and your tight sex rations are to blame…
So, if you can salvage that, start there. Give him a “full-full condition” in the bedroom and let him go out and conquer the world.
Make sure wifey-dearest feels your love, affection and appreciation all the time, and see how she turns those pink elephants neon-green later!