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Sex talk: You can initiate it, too

The monopoly of who initiates sex the most in a marriage – the husband – is not limited to Africa or your marriage.

The world over, husbands make the first move more often than their wives, because that is how biology dictates. More often than not, he will be ready to go when she is not anywhere even near that horizon. So, naturally, it will fall upon him to do all the initial work and seduction, to bring his wife to the same page as him.

Someone even compared men to microwaves where women are slow cookers, when it comes to sex. Or think of a helicopter and a Boeing. The former only needs its pilot, fuel and control tower clearance, and right on the spot, lifts off the tarmac and takes off to beautiful destinations.

But the Boeing? It needs a tug to push it off the gate, before it can roll on its own; even then, be ready to watch it roll for several minutes, before it finds the right leverage, faces the right direction and comes down that runway full-throttle for take-off.

That is how a man’s (chopper) sexual arousal/response works, compared to the average woman’s (Boeing) arousal. It is not something feminists can advocate to change; it is just the way we were wired. Read researcher Naomi Wolf’s book, Vagina: A New Biography.

Yet, don’t get it twisted; once you get that Boeing off the ground…man! It will fly higher and further than even the chopper. So, it is unrealistic to expect equal participation always in the initiation of lovemaking, because chances are when the chopper is off the ground and getting ready to land on the other side, the Boeing is still loading its passengers, leave alone warming its engines! And that can be infuriating; taking off and landing without caring about the Boeing’s journey.

That said, even the high-libido, quick-desire husband will want to feel desired by his wife and thus expect her to give that special feeling to him by initiating sex every so often. Even if initiating the sex involves just voicing the need to be pushed off the terminal building, it is something.

Otherwise, plan ahead and actually allow your mind to get off the terminal; pace yourself throughout the day by the way you think and pamper yourself, before you meet up with your husband. If you are oozing confidence and sensuality, the seduction comes naturally.

In one of his podcasts, Kevin Fredericks says just the way women love to be told ‘you are beautiful’, men like to feel desired. Not to feel like they always have to haggle and beg for sex in their own marriages.

It is why, I guess, today’s brazen millennial will walk up to a man and successfully woo him because men find it extremely flattering to be ‘chased’ or desired. But even that millennial will get to her own marital bed and the natural Boeing in her will kick in to combine with the complacency of having got her man, and it will be back to square one for the husband: him doing all the seduction 98 per cent of the time.

And it is why, I guess, a wife starved of attention and affection may stumble at the feet of a man who has his way with words, even with little else. Think about your marriage; when was the last time you made your husband know without a doubt that you desire him and want him? When was the last time you sent a naughty message or called to “warn” him that the tigress in you was heading home to marinate herself for him?

Initiating sex does not take rocket science; just be honest with yourself and your body’s needs. Because, sometimes the Boeing does roll down the runway and even lazily takes off for the skies when the helicopter does not feel like flying that day!

Don’t lie there and seethe with resentment because your husband does not seem to be sensitive to the fact that you want him; well, tell him. Show him. All factors being constant, he will be more than ready to oblige you.

Yes, yes, yes; I know that some wives are the choppers and their husbands the Boeings. Or you find that your marriage pleasantly has two choppers. Or two Boeings. Still, those are more of the exception than norm; so, you, the slow-cooking spouse, be more intentional in initiating the sex. It can be a game-changer.

carol@observer.ug

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