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Sex talk: A libido killer you may have ignored

Whenever I bump into one ambitious, young gentleman, he always responds to questions about how his fiancée is doing by starting the sentence with: “Oh, she of the first-class?’

This in reference to her graduating from university with a first-class degree, when he did not. The first time I called him out on it, he assured me all he felt was pride and goodwill, but I was not convinced. 

Recently I told him, “You really should let go of that, you know? It will fester into a bad case of insecurity on your side.”

The struggle of who is better can become too bitter in marriages and giving/taking during sex becomes an uphill task. And many don’t even see it coming. I believe it is the natural, primal need for a man to feel like the overall protector in his equation or home; the one with all the answers. When he feels himself losing that control, some responses are almost a reflex, unintended action.

Some smart wives have even mastered the art of fanning that ego and primal need, by saying things like, “I don’t know how I would have handled that if you were not here!”

I have watched a husband swell up with pride like a peacock as his wife went on and on… she later gave me a knowing smile. It is also why few women ever voice their discontent with the sex and would rather just keep fanning that well-known ego during lovemaking, because they fear to ruffle the peacock’s feathers, even when they have lost all their colours!

‘She of the first class’ may feel indifferent about her excellent pass mark at the moment, but he is laying the ground for her to think a certain way; it will come out to bite them during a hot argument or row, and then it will evolve into that marriage’s ‘problem’.

Sadly, this kind of problem lies mostly with men. Insecure that the wife earns more, mister seeks to re-assert himself as the sex supremo, by having several ‘conquests’ outside the marriage.

I have heard some wives say the only way they have tried to tame this kind of insecurity is by bringing their earnings to their husbands to decide on the expenditures.

Hmmm. Clap, clap, clap. It is actually commendable if it works, putting everything in a pool; but in other instances, he has actually taken the wife’s extra earnings to pay school fees for a mistress’ children. I have witnessed that too.

Or Rita (not real name) who once said her husband called asking her to help clear a hospital bill, because a ‘co-wife’ she was only getting to learn about in that minute, had delivered by C-section!

Feeling she was now too rich and powerful for him, Rita’s husband had gone to the village and annexed her with a ‘more respectful’ village belle. Not knowing how to deal with an over-achieving wife is why some men bar their wives from taking a job, at all. 

“Omukazi ajjakumpitirirako (the woman will be too much to handle)”, they say. 

It is why some husbands evolve into abusive men, using even sex as a tool that metes out pain and never pleasure. Fine, there are cases where this over-achievement and money can get to a woman’s head and she emasculates her husband, leaving him no chance to feel all-man, especially in bed.

But in most cases I have witnessed, the insecurity starts from the husband, trickles into the way sex is given and received and before long, terrible circumstances have annihilated that marriage. 

As a cushion, the wife falls back into the comfort of the only thing that seems to work: her mega career. Seeking even higher education heights. Entrenching her celebrity status. Etc.

The marriage and/or sex that come with it become the avoidable stress factors on the sidelines. While we are making great strides forward in these gender things as a nation, many mindsets were left behind. 

Check whether that is not your real problem. 

carol@observer.ug

Comments

0 #1 eddie 2019-02-04 15:06
i think when women a given the chance to lead they feel more insecure than when the man is leading that is why in many cases they ask men to man up in some situations.

example if she has to decide a place to hang out and it turns boring they make it against the boyfriend asking why he didn't suggest a place may be
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