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Unsexy mannerisms you hopefully won’t carry into year 2019

Happy New Year! It is not just a statement; the time we lost in silly things in 2018 can never be bought back.

I was taking a walk in the empty Makerere University campus over the Christmas holiday when I watched dusk settle around me with eerily new eyes: I would never see that day again, ever.

I wondered to myself, had my last 24 hours been well-utilised? If not, how many more days – going forward – was I willing to waste?

Similarly, 2019 is upon us and if you misused many of the years before it, you can tweak a few things and drop some bad manners altogether, so as not to waste all the years you spend married.

Ingratitude

How you behave in the moments after your climax or orgasm, will determine how soon you get another ‘treat’, or whether you get kicked to the curb in your own marriage.

“One of the reasons I really avoid having sex with my husband is how he grunts and rolls over and goes to sleep without a word. It makes me feel like a prostitute,” one wife once told me.

Because women from a young age (where ssengas are still active) are taught the importance of being cheerleaders and morale-boosters during lovemaking with their husbands, many have no trouble fanning their men’s egos, even where performances are not deserving.

Last year I wrote about the wife who tips her husband cash when he truly blows her away in bed. This kind of praise comes naturally to a wife without inhibitions, but not for men.

Since no one seems to pay as much attention to the young-men-soon-becoming-husbands concerning the etiquette of loving a woman right, few care to say thank you, or a simple “That was amazing!” afterwards, to build their wives’ self-esteem, which in turn improves how much of herself she gives next time.

Instead, they will be quick to criticise, or clothe a compliment with ‘bad humour’.

“[My husband] recently told me as soon as we were done having the most amazing sex in a long time: ‘I don’t know why you even fuss about [his concubine]; you have better legs than hers!’ Like that, he erased everything,” another wife shared once.

I have heard men say expressing gratitude during and after sex “will make the woman grow a bighead in the marriage”, or “you will cause her to cheat on you”. Total baloney.

Be as generous with your compliments – about the sex, hair, appearance, food, etc – as with your money (yes…).

These things matter and we want happier marriages in 2019.

Violence

One abusive wife successfully beat her husband out of their marital bed, and now wonders why he won’t make love to her anymore. The thing with violence and any form of abuse is, each time will leave your spouse significantly more distant than s/he was after the last episode. Until you lose them completely.

The bad memories that eventually cling to different things in your marriage; the hurtful words; the shame; all these ensure that while you may work things out, your marriage loses some of its shine each time.

Don’t let the makeup sex riding on adrenaline and pent-up emotions fool you; everyone likes to be treated like royalty, so be better this year. Don’t be the abusive king in a palace with a slave in place of a queen.

Grumpiness

Gentlemen, the women get it; you have your precious silent moments and wish every wife understood them without questions of “bae, what’s wrong?”

But when those silent moments stretch into grumpy weeks and then months, you start to look and sound like a child, and that is not sexy. The last year has been particularly stressful, most will testify, and couples were seen looking like angry nimbus clouds in their cars during rush hour traffic.

Let 2019 come with no unnecessary stress. Unnecessary stress is the kind you deliberately create in your home, just because your other spaces are stressful.

Wives, unnecessary stress is when you refuse to make love until all the children’s school fees are paid in full. Shaa!

Never being game

Three married women in a Kampala arcade shop were last year caught mincing no words in their agreement about how much ‘sex sucks’.

One of them, with adult children, said she could not remember ever making love without her husband having to ‘rape’ her first. If he were to wait for her consent, in other words, they would never have had sex even once, by her own admission.

And that has been the trend in her marriage, which surprisingly, the other two wives laughingly related to!

It mostly happens to wives, this reportedly never being in the mood for lovemaking. Many wives make it sound like the sex part of the marriage was a bonus God threw in strictly for husbands to enjoy and wives to use as leverage.

Wives too can enjoy the sex in their marriages, even more than their husbands, if only they let themselves and speak up about what they really want.

About using sex for leverage, I won’t go there – each to their own – but at least grab some magic too, while at it this year. Be part of the equation and balance your boat this year.

carol@observer.ug

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