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Sex talk: Three words today - garlic, garlic and garlic

Do not wash your intimates with soap in your attempts to smell clean and fresh; just use garlic. Enough with the concoctions you are drinking on a daily basis, trying to up your ‘water table’ and not have to go for artificial lubricants; just use garlic.

You don’t have to brave achy fallopian tubes, an itchy ‘Missy’, or a foul-smelling discharge; just use garlic. Enough with the self-medication trying to rid yourself of the regular infections that attack women – especially sexually-active women – leaving them with constant discomfort down there; just use garlic.

When I set out to see how many Kampala city women knew this, I was impressed by how many were already using it, or have been using it for years. Thanks to their celery-drinking, juicing-crazy online forums, some women said they have discovered the other uses of garlic already.

But for the introverts with barely a presence on any social media platforms, the questions I encountered included hilarious ones such as, “And what are we marinating down there?” and “But won’t I walk around smelling all garlicky and deep fried?”

Well, that is the beauty of this organic intervention; there is no trace of garlic afterwards. After that conversation and trying it out, one of the ladies is so enamoured by the common kitchen spice that she moves with a bag of garlic cloves in her handbag, hoping to convince another lady to start using it.

All you have to do is grab yourself a single wedge of garlic, cut off the hard top and peel it back, then insert the piece – freshly-cut side facing up – into your vagina for a few hours.

If your ‘factory’ is regularly closed for business at night, then the best time to insert the garlic is at bedtime and you remove it in the morning, for as often as your system demands it.

But if the ‘machines’ are known to work exceptionally hard at night, then improvise and find some hours during the day when you sit with your garlic firmly in place.

“I was amazed at how much tighter everything felt after using it just the first time,” one wife gleefully reported back.

But tightness aside, garlic is amazing with regulating the vagina’s PH balance – things just feel brand new down there. Not only that, the garlic draws out the unwelcome ‘visitors’ to the place, that could be causing the discomfort, and first-time users with actual issues may even experience a temporary burning sensation as the spice goes to work.

Wives struggling with arid conditions during sex testify that it restores natural lubrication almost instantly, and because the garlic smell does not linger once you remove it, it has turned many a sex life completely around.   

I have had the most interesting conversations on garlic this last week, some leaving me in stitches.

One wife asked me: “But what if it disappears behind….you know, ‘the wardrobe and things’, and I cannot find it afterwards? Won’t it cause a health problem if it goes too far up?”

Hmm…and she said this touching areas in the neighbourhood of her upper stomach. In case you too have been worried that the garlic clove could end up in your mouth, please revisit your biology, and it could also help acquainting yourself more intimately with your ‘Missy’.

Bottom line, the garlic clove does not go far. And you need it. One man once complained that sharing a taxi with some women can be torturous.

“She squeezes past you to get out of the matatu, and you can’t help but notice that she stinks in that region…” he said. “For some it is so bad that even the seat they vacate can continue smelling in this nasty way long after she alighted.”

Ladies, one word: garlic!

The world and your marital bed will be much more pleasant places to spend time.

carol@observer.ug

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