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That was nice…now, move on!

So, you are dangerously pretty; thank goodness. But pretty on its own will not cut it for the sex and marriage.

You still have to make sure your ‘Missy’ and character also look and feel pretty, and you will have to put in the hard work to make things special. It is not sustainable to be a slay queen in public, but a wallflower in your marriage.

Beauty does fade and evolve; when that happens, better have other strengths you bring to the marital table and bed. You can’t be the trophy wife whom your husband secretly regrets marrying, because you just lie there during lovemaking feeling pretty and also will not be bothered by anything else around the home.

I know a pretty Ugandan woman who to this day is smarting and feeling insulted because her husband divorced her to hook up with a rival that was not much of a looker, was a poor dresser, with no clue about makeup.

Well, pretty girl is still achingly single, while Plain Jane is headed for a double-digit anniversary in a few months. Be the full package.

Going Once, twice, Gone!

So, when he married you, you were a virgin. How special! Now, get over yourself. Show ‘steady progress’ when you make love and don’t hold that virginity over his head like an axe that gets him to do your bidding even when it is not fair. Virginity is not lost in phases, you know…

There are many wives who fail to move on and adjust into their wifely duties, because “after all, I kept myself for him”.

There is one who several jubireewos later does not cook, clean, or do anything remotely domestic at home, because of how captivated her husband was the night he discovered he was ‘her first’.

Even the bed goes unmade and the sheets unchanged if the husband who dared to deflower her does not do it. The food comes from Jumia and all the clothes go to the drycleaners, considering that she also has trust issues and does not do maids.

As he figures out how to sort that, he confesses to having a secret second home and family, where life has a semblance of the normalcy he expected out of marriage.

Do I condone his choices? Of course not; he claims no amount of counseling sessions with parents, professionals and church has managed to shine his wife’s eyes enough to see what is missing. In her head, it apparently is, ‘once a virgin, always a virgin’.

BE NICE

So, you are the breadwinner in the home and it is getting to your head. Watch out. Especially when the moneybags is the wife and her husband is out of a job, the temptation to start walking with a masculine swagger, barking your instructions and becoming emotionally abusive can be huge.

Some suspend all meaningful sexual activity, because they allowed the respect they had for their husbands to go.

But guess what; fortunes change. Pray that you are never out of a job and roles are switched and you have to depend on that same man you so gravely disrespected, for even your sanitary pads. Be humble.

The same goes for the highly educated people with spouses that saw only a handful of blackboards, if any. Their contribution to your success could be even greater than what your books gave you; just their being there, giving the home support, making sure you look presentable and are sexually and otherwise satisfied, taking care of your home and children…again, be humble.

During my HSC days at Kibuli SS, the headmaster’s secretary had a notice in her office that said: “It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice”.

Probably the best lesson I took out of that school.

carol@observer.ug

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