I wonder whether anything else comes with as much pressure as sex does in this world!
When a couple is having none of it, that is a problem. When another is having ‘too much’ of it, that too is a problem. There are arguments about how it should and should not be done, how long it should last, how big the ‘rations’ should be, who should initiate it… name it.
Let us just agree that no one formula works for all, no one size fits all. That is a beginning. The only universal code should be pleasure.
It is absurd that in marriages where other factors are working like clockwork, couples still often break up because of the lovemaking. Either it is simply nonexistent, too existent, not satisfactory, too communal or outright annoying.
All those are scenarios I have come across at various points of researching for this column. And it leaves me perplexed, how two small organs can dominate a union between two powerful beings!
I know a husband threatening to leave his deeply prayerful, enterprising and hardworking mother-to-his-children, because she is not capable of making that small organ regularly available to him.
He once said in an email that his pastor-wife had even pushed him away from God because of her using the Almighty as a reason to deny him sex. Every time he reportedly turned to her for some loving – day or night – she would reach for her Bible and would soon be engrossed, speaking in tongues and binding demons while ordering him not to interrupt the work of God…
But Joe Beam, an American Christian marriage counselor, wrote in his book Being One, that a husband came to him complaining about his wife’s ‘abnormal’ interest in sex, and suggested she possibly needed prayers to bring her down a notch.
Beam said he told the man he had no idea how many husbands wished for a ‘problem’ like his. He should have been praising the Lord non-stop!
In another Ugandan couple’s world, meanwhile, the wife was contemplating throwing in the towel. Reason: she felt her husband’s libido was insatiable. She just could not match demand with supply and was tired of feeling like she was stuck in a goose march for kilometres and kilometres.
This wife’s point of contention included her husband’s reportedly ample endowment. Such an irony, considering that another Ugandan wife walked out on her newlywed husband on their wedding night, after determining that his ‘rations’ were unacceptably small and she could not work with them in any happily-forever-after arrangement.
When I tell that story, people think I am bluffing, but it happened. In Kampala, too.
Men often ask, “What do women want?” But when it comes to matters sexual, that question is not gender-specific.
What exactly do people want?!
Well, just do the best version of you that you can pull off and prioritise your spouse’s sexual enjoyment as your responsibility and vice versa; the rest will fall in place. Be sexually sensitive, experimental and accommodating every so often, to keep your spouse on the same page.
Some couples make love every two weeks and it works perfectly for them. Some work with actual timetables and are happy. Some use sex toys and generally operate outside the box, while others are happily conservative.
Whichever it is for you, shine it and ensure your spouse is happy, and vice versa. Compromise and flexibility in the sex department allows this small but all-important component not to crash the entire system upon which you built an otherwise solid marriage.
Thinking sex was not such a big deal in her marriage, one wife even gave her husband a go-ahead to get a mistress and shift the sex ‘load’ a bit on her side…
Hmm. Soon the mistress was also bearing children, staying in one of their houses and basically tutoring madam in How To Turn A Side Dish Into The Main Course!