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Sex talk: Don’t put it off for too long


I have heard people say of lovemaking: “It is like riding a bicycle; you never forget how, no matter how long you have stayed off it”.

Technically true, I guess. Especially for those who go celibate for some time and then jump back into business even after years. No refresher course needed.

But in a marriage, be careful with how you handle your long breaks from sex – whether the breaks come as a result of distance, sulky sex bans or simple dodging the sex by making up excuses. It is very possible to get over you, you know…

In long-distance relationships, for example, sex therapists underline the importance of fidelity and continued communication; that way, when you reunite, it is a matter of fanning still-nascent coals into full-blown flames.

But where one or both spouses are also unfaithful while apart, the long break may be the final nail in your sex life’s coffin, as the coals would be glowing with other people, but unusually cold in your marriage.

I have encountered married people who said they were looking forward to reuniting with their spouses away on kyeyo in various locations, but were shocked when the sexual reunions were anti-climactic.

“I hadn’t seen him physically in three years and when he collected me at the airport in Toronto, I was shocked when I felt basically nothing I had expected,” Cindi (not real name) told me. “It dawned on me that I had become used to his absence and I was not even looking forward to the sex.”

Indeed, their lovemaking was also nothing worth writing home about and it took months after her move to Toronto for things to stabilise in the bedroom.

Similarly, a husband working in the Scandinavia was shaken when he came home for Christmas a couple of years ago (his wife and children live in Uganda) and he totally failed to get an erection for several days of attempted intimacy.

He admitted he was in another ‘stable relationship’ back in Europe, which his wife was unaware of, and he believed that was partly to blame for the unbalanced coal fire levels when he returned to his marital bed.

Handle any breaks carefully; unless you are having the therapeutic short break taken purely for purposes of revamping the sex and rediscovering yourselves. But when you travel, leaving a spouse behind, work doubly hard to stay sexually relevant in that marriage.

Talk about the sex. Be naughty on phone, Skype, etc. Be faithful; otherwise, it may not be possible to have your cake and eat it too – at least not in the original quality you once prided in.

Some wives (and these days, husbands, I hear) take this sulking and sex ban thing too far. Your spouse even forgets how to ride the bicycle – or starts falling off unceremoniously as s/he longs for a motorbike or horse. You are solely to blame.

I have heard some wives in this category actually complain that their husbands are ‘insatiable’ in bed. They are constantly coming up with excuses to dodge making love for months on end.

Before they know it, the husband is no longer begging for it and gladly sleeps in Junior’s bedroom. Hmm… let’s just say he may have discovered that motorbikes are faster, more fun and a no-sweat affair compared to bicycles. Just saying.

Then the wives complain again: “What kind of man does not complain when you put a sex ban in place?”

This world has taught me one thing: everybody is dispensable at some point; don’t push your luck too far. You are hiding the bicycle completely out of reach, reasoning that, “after all, one never forgets how to ride”?

One day you will pull the said bicycle out of hiding and it will be your turn to hear excuses such as; “Sorry baby, I can’t ride today; I pulled a hamstring…”


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