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Sex talk: Bring in the new recipe

 

So, where is the rulebook that says your marinade should strictly have onions, garlic and salt, period?

Why not challenge your taste buds a little more one of these days and throw in some rosemary, thyme, oregano and – yes, some chillies!

Then, things will qualify to be called truly spicy. You don’t like spicy? Fine, even when yours is one of those sensitive guts, there are many ways to turn things on their head by not being outright predictable and eye-rollingly boring.

This is not the foodie column; still Sex Talk, alright…

All I’m saying is, your spouse could really appreciate it if you placed at least just one foot outside that box you have locked yourself up in so tightly. Times change. Believe it or not, even sex trends change and it is up to you to download the latest ‘software’ best suited for your marriage. It cannot be same old, same old, forever.

In some unfortunate cases, it is this search for the so-called spice of life – variety – that drives those with weaker wills into infidelity.

Others will not cheat on their spouses, but will suffer in silence, come up with countless excuses as to why they have to take a rain check on the sex – again – as they hope God performs a miracle in their sex lives soon!

One wife said the high school sweetheart she married when they were both at university believes that 20 years on, they should actually be removing some of the spices from their already dismal sex recipe, instead of adding new ones as she had suggested.

“I don’t know how to make him understand that we were younger back then; even two ducks quacking were enough to make us reach for each other with eagerness,” she said. “But now it takes more work. I tell him to be open to some more naughtiness and experiments, but he will hear none of it.”

The husband’s constant answer is: “Those things are for kids, naawe!”

Many spouses out there want to try out new positions that are not missionary style, but their partners-in-crime always have a rejoinder to shoot down those suggestions: “Ah! That position does not look good on my boobs and stretch marks.” “Woman, are you trying to break my back?” “Now, which malaya is putting these silly ideas in your brain?” I could go on and on.

It is not too late to introduce a regular, scheduled date night in your marriage. One husband rebuked his wife for suggesting they spend Shs 40,000 on a low-key date night, when “that money can buy irish potatoes for the entire family for a week!”

Technically that was true, but he never stopped to consider that his marriage needed that occasional value addition.

Be open to your spouse’s suggestions that will make a potentially monotonous state of affairs have healthy bursts of sexual excitement.   As long as those suggestions do not go against your faith, your God or even heartfelt principles.

For example, a marriage counsellor with a religious organisation in Kampala once told me she is appalled by the number of wives who come to her weekly for advice on how to handle husbands pestering them for anal sex.

But there are things that would be mutually enjoyable without shredding everything you once held dear on a spiritual or moral level.

Talk about and act out each other’s doable fantasies. Use foods such as chocolate in bed, in safe but playful, sexy ways.

There are sex toys even for the most conservative of you. When people talk about sex toys, many immediately think about erotic, battery-powered contraptions.

But even a blindfold used to temporarily block one sense in order to enhance others, qualifies as using a sex toy. Get out of your box and, once more, allow yourself and your spouse to enjoy all the aspects of being married.

carol@observer.ug

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