Money talks, only that it likes saying “goodbye” especially when you are with a slay queen.
My high school friend asked me to accompany him to Katwe where he wanted to buy some homemade stoves. We agreed that we would meet in town and head to Katwe. He tagged along a wench. Everything about her dress code led onlookers into temptation. He introduced her to me as his sister-in-law.
We talked at length about the good old days in high school until the woman started choking us with how beautiful she felt and the ‘cool stuff’ she does. However, her opinions were blond.
She threatened to pee in the car if we didn’t stop to attend to her problem. I saw a public toilet, and made a stop. She laughed so hard and said she couldn’t use it.
She claimed the toilets had massive infections that a mere look at them would cause bilharzia. I wondered how the two were related, but chose to keep quiet.
She saw a classy restaurant and suggested we make a stopover for her to ease herself. While at the restaurant, my friend decided that he could take a walk to Katwe market while I waited with his sister-in-law. In the meantime, he offered to buy us soda.
I accepted, and off he went. The sister-in-law found me alone at the table, sipping a soda. She asked where the brother had gone. I explained. She turned down the soda offer, claiming she had ulcers.
I asked if she needed an alternative drink, but she claimed she didn’t have appetite. For courtesy’s sake, however, she ordered for a pair of sausages, three meat samosas, spiced African tea and fish fingers.
She asked for my phone and checked my airtime balance. She worshipped me for having a lot of airtime, and asked to send herself some of it. I didn’t know ‘some’ meant ‘most’ in her vocabulary. After the airtime transfer, I couldn’t make a call!
My friend called to tell me that he had gone back home, an emergency came up. When I told his sister-in-law, she got furious. That’s when I knew my friend had set me up. He was looking for a way of running away from her after realizing that their relationship wasn’t going anywhere.
He sent me a text message saying I was the only solution to his problem since the woman had drained his entire wallet to appease her stomach devils. She wanted me to take her home.
I did the math and realized it would cost me two hours and fuel worth Shs 80,000. I tactfully introduced Uber to her. I told her chances were high of getting a free ride as a first-time user of Uber. She was trigger excited upon hearing the word ‘free’. She downloaded the app and requested for a ride with immediate effect.
I was sure a first-time rider would get a free ride worth Shs 13,500, beyond which the client would have to top up. She packed all the remaining food in a doggy bag without saying ‘thank you’ to the sponsor of her meal.
I saw the Uber approaching the restaurant. The driver was well-built. His look reminded me of Mr Badanga, the strongest man in Singapore. I realized she had achieved her objective. The best way to fight a slay queen is with your shoes; wear them and run. I did just that.
I don’t know how it went with the Uber guy, but I got to learn from my friend that she gave her life to Christ after that ride.