Log in
Updated few hours ago

Sex talk: Why successful men sleep with their maids

Of course I should add that on the flipside, many successful wives (whether that success is in a boardroom or a kitchen) are also known to have liaisons with the male help – at home or in the office.

Of course, the common answer usually points to a lack of satisfactory sex in their marriages, but that is not necessarily always true.

In fact, one Ugandan artiste in a beleaguered marriage reportedly told her colleagues she has bent over backwards – sometimes literally – to sexually please her equally-successful husband, but he continues to sleep around with the maids, his secretaries/assistants and anything in-between.

The last I heard, they were separated. So, just availing the good sex sometimes is not enough. I found the more agreeable answer in an unlikely place.

I had stumbled across an episode of the reality TV show, Preachers Of LA, where one of its stars, Bishop Clarence McClendon, was giving his future son-in-law a heart-to-heart talk.

He told him, “What men need before they are successful is different from what they need after they are successful.”

He said: “As their wives become alienated from these needs, they see these needs in the [help] and mistake that for attraction.”

I totally got him.

Married partners often accuse one another of ‘changing’. But men want their wives of 10 years to actually adjust to their [men’s] growing importance in society – perceived or real – and show more ‘need’ and ‘respect’ or awe, than possibly even love in the relationship.

You know; the ‘who’s your daddy?’ attitude, in and out of bed.

The wife, on the other hand, expects her husband not to overly change; she wants him to remain the dotting dude from back in the day that asked, “How high?” when she said jump, and spoilt her with attention and generosity.

But as both parties became successful, the wife possibly retained the love for her husband, but found that her ‘need’ and ‘respect’ were more focused on the boss at work. Technically, not necessarily sexually. But again, you know how sexual networks work…

The husband may also still love his wife, but finds his now-big ego is fanned more by his needy subordinate at office or the help in their home.

And like McClendon said, this is often mistaken for attraction – even love – and has paved way for some very painful extramarital affairs.

Enter the successful wife married to a husband now attracted to the help that can still demonstrate to him that the sun rises from his backside; she too is craving the attention and missing the near-obsession from their courtship days.

And there is this driver, shamba boy, or even office subordinate, who worships the ground she walks on and receives her attention and sexual favours with speechless gratitude. Again, stuff unfortunate extramarital affairs are made of.

Like McClendon told the man asking for his daughter’s hand in marriage: “Don’t lose the things that attracted you to each other in the first place.”

These things are eroded so gradually that many couples do not notice they are missing until it is too late and the sex in their marriage is being served from a growing network.

Having regular sex in your marriage is one thing; keeping it exclusive is so hard that some people have even written off monogamy as humanly impossible.

Wrong; you can be monogamous as long as you keep all hands on deck.

I have a young WhatsApp contact whose profile pictures, daily status changes, every update, is always about his fiancée.

Fiancée this, fiancée this. Baby this, my love that. And it is so admirable, considering how long they have been together and that now they are organising their wedding.

I spend many a bored evening flipping through their loved-up pictures and gestures.

But imagine if five years from now he became an emotionally-detached stranger she married, no longer doing these things that initially made him appear hotter and more desirable to her…

Yes, the sex may still biologically happen, but not all wives are strong enough to soldier satisfactorily through routine even when all the ebigenderako have long been withdrawn from the equation.

Not all husbands wait around patiently for the tide to change, despite being emasculated by the wife whose lovemaking they still enjoy albeit with reservations.

That dad looking out for his daughter offered real food for thought…

carol@observer.ug

Comments are now closed for this entry