I guess that is the trouble with many an unhappy marriage.
Do you ever imagine how many married people – or divorced ones, for that matter – spend many hours a month meditating about ‘the one who got away’ or ‘the one who turned up too late’?
Sometimes, the ‘right one’ comes at a time in life when you are not ready to settle down and they move on. Years later when you are finally ready, you find that their ship already sailed.
One Kenyan man who spent many years in the Far East chasing his educational dreams admits he lost his ‘The One’ during those years as they fought and lost the battle to long-distance relationships in a deeply analogue era. Today both of them are married, but under quite interesting dynamics.
Others listen too keenly to biological clocks (men too, have one, by the way; it just ticks differently) and societal pressures and marry the first willing person that crosses their desperate paths only to bump into the one with ‘soul mate’ written all over them, months later. That too, I have seen.
That must be a sad life to lead and it takes dedication to one’s vows and spouse, to love the one you are with and keep a healthy, faithful sex life going.Otherwise in many cases, it can be the bane of the marriage and may eventually break the strongest of unions.
So, are you one of those people having trouble with the pasture you settled for, having seen a lusher, greener plot soon after you had put all your money on the current one?
Or are you one of those struggling with not comparing your spouse to the one who got away...
In such situations, I like referring people to what Joyce Meyer wrote in her book, Making Marriage Work. She said, “...love is not a feeling, it is a commitment.” It is not what you feel for the third party that is important; what you committed to matters more.
You can commit to love your spouse and commit to pleasure them emotionally and sexually, and spare them the humiliation of comparing them to strangers.
“In a moment of passion, my husband actually brought up his ex and her beautiful legs in comparison to mine,” Rashida (not real name) said.
“When he realised his blunder, he quickly tried to rectify it by saying my legs are better than hers and he doesn’t know why I even fuss about her!”
Well, the magic of the intimate moment had been blown apart. And now it is not only the mister that is obsessing about a third party, but his poor wife has involuntarily been tagged too.
And I am sure you too have heard of cases – if it hasn’t happened to you – of married people calling out the wrong names during sex.
They do not necessarily set out to hurt, but it is about not handling the case of the ‘right’ one coming at the wrong time, properly.
If you are already in such a quagmire, understand commitment and work on making your choice work. For those hunting for their right spouse, all the more reason to be prayerful about it and shine your eyes properly! Not everyone gets a second chance at the real thing.
I sometimes imagine what a mess the marriage network would look like, if someone tracked it with a visible pattern:
A chasing B; B chasing C; married C longing for A, who finally got B but now wishes B would somehow ‘set him free’ and leave him room to marry Z! Sigh...