Look, if I can name just one thing I cherish for myself, it is personal space and how others treat it. Letting someone else into your personal space – aka marriage – is a huge deal and should not be abused.
You go from sleeping spread-eagle, or diagonal in that bed, to making room for one more; that person better show some respect… just saying!
Here’s how you can treat shared space respectfully and make everything you do there memorable, as opposed to repulsive:
Stamp your signature onto things
This is assuming you have a fine signature, of course! Home improvements, bettering your spouse in visible ways, are what I am talking about. If you found your spouse with one brown towel that was washed once a month – if it got lucky, introduce improvements in that linens cabinet.
Redecorate, rearrange, if need be, and make things look like they got an upgrade, not a downgrade since you moved in. You can actually make one forget what they liked about being single as you make yourself quite indispensable both in your contribution around the home and sexually.
Because, retiring to fresh bed sheets smelling of fabric softener every night can be enough to trigger the necessary chemicals and hormones – the kind pink elephants get high on – compared to sharing the same sheets until they become clammy and cold from all the filth.
But sometimes a plus-one comes into your life and there are just deductions after deductions, and all one thinks is: “Why did I get married!”
No respect for personal space.
Brush your teeth at bedtime
I really have issues with people slipping into bed with other people and not bothering to brush before that. Man, there’s morning breath, then there’s morning breath!
Of course it is simple, good dental hygiene to brush at bedtime, but also, if you want the spontaneous morning glory and more, think ahead; the meatballs you are enjoying now will smell like bits of manure stuck between your teeth after eight hours of sleep.
So, groom well at bedtime. Don’t make sex with you become a dreaded affair, because of how much one has to block out in order not to offend. When they say marriage is about compromise, I am sure they don’t mean that…
Allow alternative spaces
This has not caught on well in our climes, but is quite the thing in the West and is not expensive: man caves and girlie parlours. A space where, in spite of how crazy you are about your spouse, you can retreat for me-time and to enjoy the best of both worlds.
The man cave/girlie parlour does not have to be the master bedroom as is the case in many homes, where hubbies install corner-to-corner TV screens to catch all the matches and scream ‘gooaal!’ live from the marital bed.
Many couples can afford these spaces – complete with snooker table, TV, sports memorabilia, name it – but still don’t take advantage of that.
A girlie parlour can have all the bits and pieces your husband would never understand, but are so important to you, which you are not ready to give up.
When your girls visit, you can retreat to this space and… you know… talk about serious things without fear nor favour. These all revamp marriages in understated but important ways.
I love the Victorian era, when – even in Uganda – it was the norm for spouses to sleep in separate bedrooms and only visit each other to record the ‘game, set, match!’
But then some people became shameless wanderers to other quarters in the middle of the night, and it became absolutely necessary to tight-mark each other even at night…
Sigh! The good old days!
carol@observer.ug