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Sex Talk: In dire need of sexual healing

Five women sat in a home recently, talking about money, love and sex – common topics you will find when two or more women are gathered.

Little did they know that their lengthy chitchat would make for interesting confirmation of research findings I have often read about. When the topic of sex came up, three of the women moaned disinterestedly, but the other two perked up.

While the three who moaned about the sex were talking about it in general terms of ‘doing my husband a favour’, the other two were upbeat about sex in general and one went to the extent of saying: “I enjoy making love with my husband. Even when we are in the middle of a cold war with hubby, the sex never stops! And awesome sex, for that matter”.

As the four other women gawked at her, possibly with envy, one of them blurted out: “I was raped when I was five. That kind of sh*t never really goes away – if only men who hurt girls knew!”

You could hear a pin drop, as the five women sat in shocked silence. After a few minutes, another one spoke up that she too was sexually assaulted as a child. Then the third woman tearfully also spoke up, saying it was the first time she was sharing the fact that she had been raped, with anyone.

Is it then a coincidence that the three women also admitted to struggling sexually in their marriages? No. Sexual trauma, especially the kind that was delivered in one’s formative years, can have terrible effects on one’s sex life when they are older, because someone interfered with the data installation process.

Even men who were sodomised as children or teenagers, deal with dark forces that their counterparts that were luckier growing up, cannot begin to fathom. Right there, the conversation switched from banter to counselling.

It was confirmed that the sexual experience was completely ruined for them due to trauma related to seeing a man’s genitals. Naomi Wolf, who has done extensive research on the female body and its sexual responses, agrees that a vagina can be traumatized, and this leaks into how a woman responds during sex.

“Just as good sexual experience in the vagina drives joy and creativity into the female brain, the obverse is also true, due to the same neural pathways; the traumatized vagina, the abused vagina, the vagina that is part of a neural network....cannot effectively condition the female brain with the chemicals that constitute the emotions of confidence, courage, connection and joy,” Wolf writes in her book, Vagina: A New Biography.

“For women, a fully functioning pelvic nerve is crucial for producing the dopamine, oxytocin, and other chemicals that raise levels of perception, confidence and feistiness.”

When that nerve is damaged/numbed by sexual trauma at any point in her life – even marital rape – it can affect how one responds during sex, going forward, unless you fix that first.

Many women feel nothing for sex, and it is something they do only because it comes with the marital package, because they have not dealt with trauma surrounding the very act of sex.

So, don’t be hasty to judge your spouse if they are struggling with enjoying sex and responding to you the way you want to; help them deal with sex-related traumas from their past and it will be a worthwhile investment. Assuming you convince them to talk about it first – that is step one.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com

Comments

+1 #1 Petero 2024-07-03 14:14
Dear Caro[line, excellent article - thank you very much. I like your conclusion: " don’t be hasty to judge your spouse if they are struggling with enjoying sex and responding to you ...; help them deal with sex-related traumas from their past ... worthwhile investment.

Assuming you convince them to talk about it first – that is step one" QUESTION is, how do you get her to speak about that tough past, and yet harming the present enjoyment?
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