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Sex Talk: Do you feel desirable?

That you without the false eyelashes, heavy makeup, big wig, fake bum, etc? That is the real you. Quit the denial.

And while grooming and preening are highly recommended, also keep an eye on this person your husband sees 80 per cent of the time; she cannot normalize walking around the house at 4 pm without having taken a shower since morning, or brushing her teeth.

She cannot spend the weekend with unkempt hair, eye discharge and other discharges, only to turn around on Monday and slap on the beauty ‘armour’ and head to work looking like a million bucks. For whom?

“For myself and my self-esteem,” one may be quick to answer, but again I will ask: “And… how is that building up to a happy life at home later if your self-esteem is only worked on outside the home?”

You will hear wives complain about their asexual marriages, but not until you hear the complete story, will you stop blaming it all on their husbands.

Chances are, the very first time your husband saw you and fell head-first in love/lust with you, you were putting on that full armour that women love. And you wore it to every date, wore another version of it for the road trips you made, then doubled the layers of it the day he married you.

So, imagine his shock when without warning, you not only strip off the armour at home daily, but also replace it with the dirtiest, most unkempt version of yourself!

First impressions, they say, are lasting impressions. If you set your bar high to start with, the onus is on you to maintain it, whether you are wearing the makeup, or not. Just look good. And clean. And smart. And desirable.

I don’t think men really have a particular problem with the free, long kaftans many women specialize in wearing at home; it is more about what those kaftans symbolize: carelessness and letting oneself go. A wife can own one or two of those things and wear them January to December, hardly washing them during that time.

While women’s sex lives and responses are mostly mental and emotional, men’s sexual responses depend on the visual and physical, according to researchers on the subject.

You cannot put zero effort into arousing your spouse, but still expect him to be hopping from foot to foot in sexual tension and anticipation.

As a matter of fact, the longer you stay married, the more ordinary your once-breathtaking looks may become to him, thus requiring you to put more effort in how you look, dress up and smell, even in the privacy of your home.

It has never made sense to me that married women step out of their homes looking sexy and smoking-hot, then reserve the most wretched and weather-beaten versions of themselves for when they reunite with their spouses later in the day.

I am in awe of actress Sarah Kisawuzi, who once told The Observer in an interview that whether she is stepping out of the house that day or not, she wakes up every morning and spends some time on her grooming, to look the best she can.

You can turn around the sexual fortunes of your marriage by just investing more in your home look. If you look and feel desirable, chances of you also enjoying the lovemaking are high, because you start off the day as a girl on a mission.


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