It’s me again, your humble servant. You told us to knock and the door will be opened. I hope you don’t mind that I bang it this often.
I also trust that, just like National Environment Management Authority, you don’t mind that we often shout in prayer – a little above weaverbirds.
We don’t mean to suggest that you could be having a hearing impairment. It is only that we try to take into account your distance and that we have to hypnotize our flock.
Silent reflection might make them think twice, which is undesirable, except if they are thinking about tithing twice. But if our shouting ever gets to your nerves, please signal to us with some moderate thunder.
That said, dear Lord, what did I do to you lately? There is so much outrage and noise about our work of late. People no longer fear men of Gaad; they say we should start providing accountability for each coin they offer to you through us.
They are mad that we are too comfortable on your behalf. It is you, Oh Lord, that generously provided the verses in the Bible about sowing the seed and tithing.
Don’t we read in Psalms 126:6 that “those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy”?
Matthew 12:1-50 also tells us that “for Gaad so loved the world that he gave his only MONEY, that whoever believes in it should not perish but have eternal life”. You also instruct that “seek first the kingdom of OFFERTORY, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).
I am forever awed about the immense wisdom you put in those verses. You should thus understand when we repeat them more than anything else in the Bible.
Dear Father, please forgive my little iniquities, as I forgive those who continue to offer coins as if they think church baskets are scrap bins for disposal of useless balance. Grant them the wisdom to understand that we don’t shop our designer suits from downtown.
Open their brains and help them know that we shop in dollars and pounds, and that no forex bureau takes their jjege jjege (ga-coins). Is it really true that you praised a poor widow who only gave a button as offertory?
I doubt that story’s authenticity. Dear Lord, I know you cannot grant us churches and then send us broke and stingy followers. We not only need to build and maintain our churches, we also have to live lifestyles deserving of anointed ones.
Loving father, don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to say that you take the poor away from us. Any desperate child of yours is good for us. Those without jobs at least have some loose money for printing application forms; they can first bring it here to multiply. They can as well borrow to invest in divine mercy.
I can’t thank you enough for creating a profitable number of gullible idiots. That is invaluable capital you gave us. I am not sure though if it is you to thank for that. But in any case, I thank you for our kind political leaders who have created a favorable environment for us to prosper.
Lead us not into criticizing their wrongs, but deliver us from any kind of government regulation. For we are guaranteed, with your help, that as long as we are either on their side or quiet, they can even give our hands protection as we dive them into the pockets of these naive masses.
Strengthen us in keeping our mouths shut about corruption, poor service delivery, tribalism, nepotism, life presidency, and all political evils. We know that those who die in government-abandoned hospitals are called by you.
You arranged that this is how they would die, dear Lord. So, who are we to question? Besides, you taught us to ‘give unto Caesar what belongs unto Caesar and to God what belongs unto God’. So, we give Caesar his space.
Mighty father, we also know that everything happens for a reason and that your ways are not ‘man’s’ ways. Guide all those who fail to get proper treatment in hospitals to flock to our churches for miracles.
May your name be glorified through filling our churches and offertory baskets. May all coins melt into brown notes in your mercy, oh Lord!
Dear Father, as I prayed to you last Sunday, some of my fellow preachers are already driving the Range Rover Velar (2017). Bring me more people with sickness, relationship, employment, visa, and juju problems so that I buy one, too, before it is out of class.
Lord, a personalized number plate is only Shs 20 million. I need that too, mighty Jehovah, so that your name may be glorified by the desperate people who tithe for it. Oh, and a mansion too.
With such testimonies to show that you lifted me from grass to gross (sorry, grace), they will all believe that you can do the same for them.
Grant us peace, oh Lord, from those who keep telling us that we should use the collections to help others through building schools, charity homes, hospitals, and feeding the hungry.
We know too well that there is nowhere in the Bible that you told your apostles to build such things. Ours is to preach and pray; and we do that too well, until we go hoarse and wet in sweat.
Allow me, Father, to ask a humble question: that hell where you told us that there will be gnashing of teeth in fire, were you really serious about it?
As in, real fire? So, will you burn us your servants too or you will only burn those you gave brains and they decided to keep them unused like souvenirs? Just asking. And may your financial will be done.
The author heads the Center for African Studies at Uganda Martyrs University, Nkozi.