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Sex talk: What is your wife’s worth?

Does she feel valued at all? Do you even care?

Well, your answer could explain the quality of sex in your marriage…

I am writing this for husbands today; the value you see and place in your wife, is the same value/quality she will bring to your lovemaking.

A woman’s ability to respond fully to her spouse and give herself without inhibition also depends a lot on how special she feels to her spouse. Does she feel like a dependable washing machine? Then cool; an efficient washing machine you will get at sex time.

Does she feel like a vacuum cleaner? Does she feel like a poorly serviced incubator? A cooker…?

“My husband is in the habit of arriving home in the evening and inspecting every inch of the house, just looking for mistakes,” working mother Erin (not real name) says. “He then loses it when he spots even one small thing out of place.”

Her attempts to explain and “fix things” usually fall on deaf ears as he rants, slams doors and makes veiled insults about sloppy wives driving husbands into concubines’ arms.

“I usually look at him and keep quiet, because at least I try at my so-called traditional roles; I can’t say the same for him,” Erin says. “Otherwise, I too should throw tantrums over the fact that I am still stuck with the bills, not to mention how I don’t remember the last time he spent a coin on me, as Erin.”

She cheekily notes: “Men don’t believe that they too, coupled with their stress, can drive us into more masculine arms?”

A few days ago I read a Twitter post that went like: “Dear future husband, don’t come with too many expectations of me like washing your underwear; come with a washing machine.”

Now, I know many wives who wash their husbands’ boxers without hiccup; one said it is a labour of love and her husband also goes out of his way to make her feel loved and special.

But if the only valuable thing you see about your wife are her laundry abilities, you are in trouble. A neighbour recently stumbled upon me washing my car on a Sunday and remarked: “Wow! Your husband will be so lucky!” Huh? As in, he won’t have to waste money on washing bays anymore? The intended compliment fell flat.

But that is the reality of many wives. Many husbands want beasts of burden for wives, which are never thanked or even rewarded, but are still expected to later turn up as sex sirens in bed.

Relaxation and a feeling of being valued and loved by one’s husband contributes immensely to good lovemaking. Many husbands think that to give their wives any gifts, money, or to pamper them and take them out is tantamount to “buying marital sex”. How selfish!

It is those small gestures that will ensure she is in the right frame of mind to give as much as she takes…

In fact, author Naomi Wolf states in her book, Vagina: A New Biography, that where sex happens during dating and courtship, it tends to be fulfilling because men bend over backwards to impress their love interests.

Nature kicks in and this woman, feeling so special and valued, responds with eagerness and abandon to the sexual advances. Many even end up married based on the results of these wildly erotic encounters.

But a year down the road, why will the same couple be whining: “It is just not the same. Marriage killed the sex!”

Marriage did not kill your sex life; you did. You, like countless others, got into marriage, put your feet up, exhaled and released that long-tucked-in belly and stopped being affectionate or even attentive. She only responded accordingly, even without intending to.

Understand that sex can be quite mechanical for men; women, on the other hand, have processes. You don’t come through the door disrespecting and putting her down before the children and help, and still expect her to bring her A-game in bed, simply because you say so.

In fact, it could explain the bizarre notion that some Ugandan women deliberately provoke their husbands into fights, in anticipation of the makeup processes and sex afterwards.

Look, the only time some husbands are affectionate and gentle to their wives is when they are begging for forgiveness and trying to smooth over yet another nasty episode. Sad, but true.

The switch to your wife’s sexual response and enjoyment is partly in your hands. Your choice.

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