Expressing interest in a woman is a challenge for most men, but it can be exclusively difficult for guys who suffer from extreme shyness. After all, it’s pretty hard to tell a woman how you feel about her if you cannot master the audacity of pouring out your heart to her, writes PRISCA BAIKE.
Paediatrician Linda Nantale met Joshua Murungi at a party through a mutual friend. It was not long before the two became close friends. Later, the duo turned out to be more than friends as Murungi always went out of his way to be nice to her.
“I knew he was interested in me. He did me a lot of favours, but he never told me he loved me,” Nantale says.
Naive and fresh from medical school, Nantale was also baffled about what to do. She knew Murungi wanted more than friendship although she was afraid of being rejected just in case he was simply being nice. He picked her from home and dropped her back from work, took her out and did for her many nice things.
“Sometimes, I thought he loved me. But whenever we went out, he would act a little distant. It all got me confused,” says Nantale, who later realised Murungi’s distant behaviour was because of his shyness. Later, she moved on with another guy who had boldly asked her out.
“Shy guys are a pain. At one point, I felt like asking him to ask me to be his girlfriend. But I could not since I know that it is a guy thing,” laughs Nantale.
Like many folks The Observer randomly talked to, Nantale maintains shy men should man-up when dealing with women, and speak out rather than just behaving nicely.
“Kindness is good, but that is all it is if your intentions are not communicated,” Nantale maintains.
According to www.theartofcharm.com, most guys deal with shyness at some level. There’s nothing wrong with shyness as long as you don’t let it control and hinder your quality of life.
It is also argued that women can see shyness as endearing or cute, but that has nothing to do with being attracted to the shy guy. Women want a man who will take control of the situation. She wants to lose herself in the bedroom, yet a shy man might not allow her that privilege.
The good news, however, is there are a few women who like shy men. So, all you have to do is run into her and somehow catch her attention. The sad part is, she will eventually get bored and drop you like a rock.
WHY THE SHYNESS
Paul Towet, a laboratory scientist in Entebbe, says most guys are too shy to tell women how they feel about them because they lack confidence.
“They fear getting turned down because that really hurts their egos,” he says. “Confident men will easily approach a woman, bearing in mind that being rejected does not mean they are not good enough.”
Another reason that makes men shy away from expressing their feelings to women, Towet believes, is that ladies usually put up walls around themselves upon realising a guy wants more than friendship.
“These walls scare most shy men who settle for being just friends with the hope that one day the lady might just let them in,” Towet says. “Unfortunately, bold guys will tear down these walls before the shy guy’s own eyes and date the lady. When he breaks her heart, it is the shy guy that comforts her – only for her to take off with the next bold guy.”
Towet encourages shy men to learn to speak up because there is no way out since almost all women like men who take charge. He advises men to approach women the same way they approach fellow guys and start by initiating a conversation. From chatting with her, Towet believes you can easily know the kind of person she is, and this can guide you towards opening up to her.
“No matter how shy a guy is, it is necessary for him to say what he feels lest he suffers with his crush in silence,” says Towet.
In case of rejection, which shy men fear most, Towet advises men to treat it like any other form of denial.
“Sometimes, it is how you handle her rejection that may endear her to you. Women are attracted to strong men who handle rejection gracefully,” says Towet, adding that it is not unusual for a lady to turn down a man and make a U-turn without his persistence.
SHOULD LADIES MAKE THE FIRST MOVE?
Ritah Namuli, a banker, maintains that a lady making the first move does not solve a shy guy’s problems.
“It is actually the beginning,” laughs Namuli, who once dated a shy guy but moved on after about a year.
“Women love spontaneous guys who will seize a moment and do something mind-blowing without having second thoughts. That is not possible with shy men,” says Namuli, whose partner was so uncomfortable with simple things such as holding hands, getting cosy on a night out or initiating any intimacy.
“No woman wants a man who takes the back seat in everything,” she says.
Just like Namuli, Nantale advises men to come out of their ‘shy corner’ if they are to make good partners and husbands.
“It is true a woman may like you even if you are shy, but that means she will forever wear the pants in your relationship,” says Nantale, adding that most times, even men who come off as very bold have their own fears but become brave against all odds.
“Opening up to a woman to whom you are attracted is no easy feat. I once dated this guy who was so bold and free among ladies, but he once confessed that he was afraid of asking me out until the day he decided to face his fears squarely,” Nantale reminisces.
Since it is evident that women prefer bold men to shy guys, it leaves shy ones with no choice but to come out if they must hold the ladies they desire. www.theartofcharm.com offers the following tips to shy guys on how to come out of their shell.
Take baby steps. You don’t have to become ‘Mr Outgoing’ overnight. Start by pushing yourself to talk to two or three random strangers every time you go out, and just become comfortable with the interactions. Your words don’t need to be deep or meaningful. They just need to get the interaction moving.
Man up. Beating your shyness is a process that takes time, but you can do it. So, just accept the fact that it’s going to be uncomfortable and possibly terrifying. Accept the fear, and do it anyway! It’s the only way you will grow.
Improve your body language. Do you slouch when you walk? Stare at the ground? Shove your hands into your pockets? Focus on having strong, confident body language, and you will begin to feel more confident. Smile, too, because when you force yourself to behave in a specific manner, your brain produces the appropriate chemicals, and the feelings become real.
Find friends who are more outgoing than you are. By simply going out with trusted friends who are already into partying life, you will find it much easier to loosen up and come out of your shell. Do this often, and you will naturally become more like your outgoing friends.
Commit. When you make the decision to approach a woman and speak to her, remain committed no matter how uncomfortable you feel. Never run away from the interaction, but practice managing tension. Any interaction can go really well or really poorly. But if you are going to go for it, don’t do it half way! Stand tall and maintain your positive attitude no matter how she reacts.
Do what you love. Do you love concerts or games? Find people who share those interests and join up with them. It’s hard to be shy when you are doing something that gets you excited. Women will notice when you are at your best.