If you cannot talk to your spouse about sex, who then do you talk to about it?

Your buddies at the kiduuka you retire to for a few hours after work? Shame. I have heard people equate making love to riding a bicycle; once you get the gist of how to do it, it never really goes away.

You just have to find a bike and it will all come back to you. Well, not quite when it comes to sex. A bike, you just cycle, putting one foot ahead of the other and the contraption will move from point A to B. With sex, there is something called finesse and it is honed, not just...well, galloped through.

What you think or thought was the right way of making love may be totally off when it comes to your spouse. Some men have heard from their kiduuka friends that longevity is what underscores great sex in a marriage.

So after a day of popping Viagra and chewing his mulondo faithfully, he takes the action home to his wife, who is left bored after 30 minutes of ‘business’ with no signs of hubby slowing down.

But because in all the years they have been married she has not said anything about how boring and tiring his approach to sex is, it has remained the trademark of their marriage.

Others endure rituals during and after sex that they don’t really care for or even enjoy, but go through with them nonetheless because the option – speaking out – is not even an option!

I know husbands who mock the whole cleaning-with-a terrycloth-after-sex business, that many wives, especially Baganda, come with into the marriage courtesy of Ssenga, but could never say anything for fear of hurting madam’s feelings. Absurd, since for some men this exercise actually is painful.

“I don’t know how to tell my wife to skip that part. I have tried to stop her before but she said she wanted to do it because it shows she is cultured and that she adores me, but the damn dry cloth she uses is so uncomfortable at that particular time!” a husband wrote in. Why not just tell her?

Some wives have been faking orgasms for the entire time they have been married and they would rather live with that than hurt their husbands’ feelings by pointing out their not seeing those grinning pink elephants their husbands groan and grunt about so wildly!

Look at it this way; if you say something tactfully, yes, chances are your spouse’s ego is going to be bruised a bit and you may even get a few days of sulking, but the point will have been taken. The next time he joins you for some sugar, he will not approach things like someone just lit a fire to his butt...

The next time you get lovey-dovey, she will not just attack your ‘Mister’ with that sun-stiffened terrycloth of hers that you have come to start eyeing wearily like it were a dangerous weapon.

Your speaking out may bring into your marriage what other husbands possibly enjoy: lovingly moistened and warm softer cloths, if any. Some spouses allow experiments they would rather not be part of, just because they are preserving their better halves’ adventurous souls.

Oh please. Dude flips you over for anal sex against your will and you clench your teeth through the ordeal because you don’t want him to feel inadequate? Speak up and put a stop to the nonsense before he causes some interesting medical bills.

It is true; there are no bad lovers, just bad communicators. For everything you do well, there are ways to do it even better if only you knew how. And the know-how can only be availed by the recipient of your favours.

And for everything you do haphazardly, there are countless ways to get it right, if only you didn’t think you were already performing at stud-level, thanks to your wife who fakes her orgasm each time, counts her losses and moves on to the waiting laundry without saying a word. Encourage each other lovingly to talk more about the sex in your marriage.

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+1 #1 JULIUS 2012-11-28 09:15
nice article but Carol there are some bad lovers, they may communicate well but bad lovers naturally. they do not practice what they communicate, they just ignore them
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0 #2 Moses 2012-11-29 13:11
Good work Carol, Communication is the way to go. In a relationship the two parties need to be at the same footing.

THis doesn´t happen because of one´s upbringing and then taken advantage of. Still it calls for sacrifice, patience. Here one party can drop a bad behaviour because of love..

A good communication = A good listener
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